So, I am done with my first year of college.
I have not been able to update on this simply because I've been very busy for the past two weeks. Pulling the largest workload of anyone I have been aware of, I completed three term papers and took three finals, having taken three classes. I had nearly no time for myself, spending nearly two weeks in a constant state of work. Best of all, I loved it.
I chose the harder final for one class, despite not benefiting as much from it as was necessary. I have never been more happy than I was in those few days. I only wish they could have continued. While I was so productive for that period of time, I have been far less so with the beginning of the Summer. I cannot write, I am behind in my exercise, and I have bounced back and forth between various hangouts, generally wasting time. This is a problem, one I try so very hard to correct. At the moment, I am making progress.
Another recent development is that of my relationship with my girlfriend. I told her, one night about a week ago, that we could not be together, that I did not truly love her, that I was already beginning to grow bored of her. Our sex life is also declining. The only problem, is that she takes it so well. She does truly love me, and this only makes it harder for me to break it off with her. She admits that it will hurt her terribly, yet she still wishes to hold on as long as she can.
The world is such a strange place. My girlfriend has been born with nearly the exact mindset that I require. Her body is lacking. The problem is that I cannot love anything less than utter perfection, and she is not. She is not like me, and therefore I cannot love her. I cannot love anything except myself, and she is not similar enough. Yet, she is similar in mind, which is the closest I have ever seen. It hurts so terribly to hurt someone who is similar to myself, at least in mindset. The world has gifted me with a girl that is not what I need, but is exactly what I want. The choice is so difficult.
One of our discussions on the topic led to an embarrassing admittance; I am gifted with the ability to recognize weakness and stupidity, but not with the ability to be strong or intelligent myself. My life is fraught with failures and weaknesses, and I have not at all lived up to my own expectations. This is especially clear lately, as I have noted.
I am renewing my efforts, but of course, I am behind. I have to work harder than ever. Even now, this is taking longer to write than it should. I am delayed by everything else, distracted by the pretty lights and the cheap thrills. The only place I have to go is up, but the ladder is hard to climb, and I have tired myself out with partying.
What to do except push harder?
