Progress.

Well, I have little to say, other than that I am making progress. It's been some time since my last blog, mostly because things are simply falling into order, and the routine of it all produces few extraordinary things to mention.

Progress on my novel has been swift. I am burning through pages very quickly now, and expect to be done before the end of the year. Of course, then there is endless proofreading and revising to be done, but the fact that I'll actually have something to say for myself is exciting.

My classes have been the same level of boring that they have been before. For the most part, I sit in them, and laugh to myself at how stupid everyone sounds. Of course, I've written a blog about what I think about it, but it boils down to this, always. When there are things to be interpreted, such as novels and philosophy and acting manuals and the like, teachers seem to think that reading between the lines is the primary demonstration that you know something. In fact, there are generally not lines to read between, authors are only human, and only mean the things that they distinctly say, without bothering with the time to go so far as to produce eighty billion extended metaphors. Yet, in every class, the possibility of these metaphors is so often produced, that it scares me. To this day, in my philosophy class, we have not actually discussed much of anything that is in our texts, only what we think of it. That is a learning failure, right there. We're supposed to be learning truths, not others opinions.

My current group of friends has become more bearable. At first, I saw them as simply ordinary guys and girls, too ordinary to even like. The fact is, that while they are still ordinary, they are beginning to take more chances, do newer things. They are acclimating to the climate I've provided. I enjoy it. Also, I've become more social, as I've talked more and spent more time going to social gatherings. The apple of my eye is still far out of reach, but I'll have her one day. She is too beautiful not to.

Which leaves the state of myself. I've been remarkably confident, and am becoming more so by the second. This changes my nature, slightly, as I am being more agressive in my actions and dealings with other people. Sometimes I regret that. Other times, well, most times, I enjoy it. That's what being confident is all about. Also, I am enjoying a higher level of physical fitness than before. I am eating more, sleeping more, exercising more. I am spending more time thinking, and less time is wasted. I am learning Tai Chi, how to play the guitar, how to be a liked person, how to enjoy myself in ways that aren't wasted time, and the like.

All in all, I'm making progress. And that means, that one day, I'll be perfect.

And that means, that one day, I'll rule.

How glorious it all is!

The new year.

I am rather aggravated with the strange (un)fascination that people take with the whole new years thing. Indeed, it has been ten days since the event, but it still sits in the back of my head, annoying me. So of course, I let it out in the only place I can, here.

New Years is not a big deal. In fact, it isn't a deal at all. There is nothing to celebrate, nothing to enjoy. There is no reason to hold parties, no reason to get together, no reason to drop a big glowing ball in New York, or any of the other stupid things that we do. What is there to celebrate? The fact that time goes on? Then why not just celebrate it EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR?

The fact that you have added another year on to your life is celebrated on your birthday. The fact that we've added another year onto the calendar should deserve no birthday. The calendar, on top of being poorly made, is an inanimate object. It doesn't care when we celebrate, so why should we?

Worse is the fact that we seem to realize all this and yet still go through the motions. Of the people I have asked, most a couple weeks ago during the actual event, none actually saw any reason to be partying. Yet we did anyway. When it came around midnight time, after spending the evening doing nothing involved in the new year, we turned the television on for five minutes. We watched the ball drop, downed drinks, and then went back to normal. Our cheer was weak and ineffectual. We didn't actually care that a new year had begun.

And then, there's the business of new years resolutions. False. No one has ever followed one of those things. People don't ever follow resolutions in the first place. Nothing was ever changed in human beings in a moment of fervor. No one has ever said "I'm going to make a difference in my life, right now, and lived up to it." Human beings are incapable of changing themselves instantaneously. People are only changed by saying that they are going to change themselves over a long period of time, as they actually grow into their new ideals and forms. People change over time. The idea of making a resolution simply because it's the new year, is just as flawed. No one has ever followed these, generally not more than a day. Why bother?

There is only one new years resolution that I will ever appreciate, and it is the one I make this year and every year, and every moment of my life. I resolve to be resolute.

Back from break.

Well, it's been about a month. Not surprisingly, that month has coincided with the month that I have for Christmas break. In that month, I can assure you, nothing has changed.

I adapted with surprising rapidity to my home life. I created a new schedule that served me well. I would wake up around noon, exercise for two or three hours, play video games, eat dinner with the family, and then leave to do things with friends. Some nights, I did not do things with friends, in which case I simply played more video games, watched movies, or found other ways to occupy myself. This is a rather ordinary schedule, not the kind to be expected of me. I never like to be ordinary, but in this case it turned out the most extraordinary results.

Firstly, I was essentially an isolated person for this entire time. I had much more time to myself, much more than college ever had to offer. I had time to be alone, time to think, time to do things I wanted to do. The results? Excellent.

I had been weakening, towards the end of the last quarter. I had been questioning myself, making more cowardly decisions, and had been slacking on writing my books. I was wasting much of my time. Now, that does not happen. Over the break, I wrote another twenty five pages on my novel over the course of about three days. I received a guitar for Christmas, which I am using with great joy, and am improving my musical skills over, daily. I am now able to go back to college, with a sense of individuality and well being. My confidence has risen, and I am working at a much greater capacity than I have been in quite some time.

It seems that this break has served its purpose spectacularly.

Of course, now I have to come back to some of the same problems that I left behind. The first is my new course load. I have another philosophy class with the same teacher, the one that I despised so much last quarter. I have a calculus class at 8:30 in the morning, far earlier than I have been waking up in a very long time. I have an English class, but I applied for two. All the same annoyances, all the same problems. But of course, this will be a chance for growth. Waking up early means that I have more time to do things, dealing with idiot teachers still gives me a chance to improve my intelligence, and English is never as important as actually getting my writing done. Which I am doing, so there isn't much of a problem there.

I may have more news in the future, about certain things I plan to do relatively soon. But I can't tell you until they actually happen, or else I look like an idiot. So I'll leave you on that note, expect more.

Happy new years, everyone!

Finals, Finally.

Well, finals are nearly over. Both of them were term papers, leaving me with two extra days of school, as I have finished my papers and am now enjoying the freedom of my room. Essentially, my first term of college is over.

As I have noted before, I became enamored with the whole deal, although it took some time. It is weak, it is useless, yes it is inefficient and stupid, but for the most part that can't ever be helped. I've been writing recently, and have made excellent progress on my most recent novel. Normally, I begin to second guess myself and want to revise after every five pages or so. Right now, I'm at about thirty pages and still going strong. It's an excellent feeling.

I've also been working out a lot recently. Upon returning home for Thanksgiving break, I was angered to discover that my muscles had somehow atrophied, and that I lifted less weight all around the board than when I had left. After working out every day in college. Needless to say, I am pushing myself even farther now. I am reaching my limits. I hurt, it pains me. I still go on. I will do anything not to be ordinary.

Also, I've fallen in love. Not the true kind of love, not yet. I won't kid myself, that kind of thing doesn't happen until after you really come to know the person. In truth, I hardly know her at all. But what I do know, is that she is the most beautiful woman on campus, and therefore my stupid brain won't let me think of anyone else. We share much in common, I think, although I can't be sure yet because I have had almost no chance to actually talk to her. We simply hang out, occasionally. It's not enough. I am never satisfied. Worse, I understand that she isn't planning on dating anytime soon. While this is excellent in that it protects me from competition, it also hurts in that I cannot make myself clear to her. I simply have to go on playing the game. Also, why do I always pick women who are unattainable for some reason or another? No, don't answer that, I know it's probably another hideous character flaw.

I am set to return home in two days. I'm not sure what will happen over break. Part of me tells me that it's time to have fun, relax. Another part of me tells me that that's what I've been doing the entire time at college. While normally resolute, right now I am uncertain. But in the end, I'll work through it. I always do. The real question is what is going to happen to me along the way.

Big Places.

I visited Chicago last weekend, for the first time in my life. It is also, I think, the only time I have visited a large city in recent memory. It was a lot smaller than I expected.

Admittedly, there are skyscrapers, and huge streets, and everything is about eight time more complicated than most of the cities I spend my time in. But I like it. I like large cities, I feel at home. I wasn't made for small cities, can't be happy in them. I enjoy things that are grand and massive, things that are greater than normal, things that are exceptional, or the best of their kind. For this reason, I loved Chicago.

I loved feeling like nothing, loved having to push my way through crowds and struggling just to find any sort of store or restaurant. I loved every minute of it. It's when you push yourself up against walls that are greater than you that you make yourself stronger. You don't get stronger by lifting the same amount of weight, you get stronger from lifting more. That may seem really obvious, but I need to point out that it applies not only to strength, but to other things as well.\

There is something to be said for bigger cities. They are better, encourage men to live a grander and more exceptional lifestyle. Why shouldn't I want to live in a large city?

One day, I thought as I looked up at the buildings of Chicago, I'm going to make it bigger. I'm going to own it all, I'm going to be able to look down from such great heights. One day, I'm going 'to rule the world. It isn't a claim, it's the truth.

There was only one problem that I had with Chicago. I spent my time looking around, examining, watching the beauty. I looked over the grand buildings, and over the river, and over the way things were placed together and they seemed to fit in my mind, and over everything else. And I thought, it's not enough. Chicago is too small.

Let's hope it stays that way.

College, pt.2.

Well, my fall semester in college is soon coming to a close. In a short week, I will be having finals, and after that I will be on break until after new years. It has been an odd experience, I can assure you.

I am not nearly so hostile to my school as I was a few months ago. I have had time to adjust, time to understand things better. People are no longer ridiculously friendly, they have settled down and no longer have to be. When any man has all his friends taken away from him, he will desperately grasp at anyone nearby who is suitable. But when he finds friends, then he can stop grasping. That about summarize the social life here; after several weeks of overly-friendliness, everyone calmed down and everything went back to normal.

My identity class did eventually have something to do with identity, although it was never as good as I wanted it to be. My ethics teacher did prove intelligent in some ways, although I know now that she is simply not a good teacher, and I am forced to accept that. My acting class is no longer the best, it has fallen into its own flaws over the course of the... course. Essentially, everything has gotten into the process of averaging itself out, of evening out the kinks. Nothing is exceptional, but then, why should I expect that of ordinary people? At least, they can afford to give me mediocrity consistently. That is something in itself.

I came to college expecting to be taught things. I have made it into a moderately expensive and intelligent college, therefore I expected teachers to be at least somewhat wise, somewhat able to demonstrate intelligence. I was wrong. College has taught me to learn, but certainly not through classes. Instead, I realize, I have learned through everything in between. While I didn't necessarily learn anything in class, classes inspired me to learn, inspired me to achieve and accomplish.

College has inspired me to write. I am writing an average of three or four pages of novels a day now. I enjoy this. I work out daily, have maintained a wonderful diet and physique. College has helped me to grow better in every way, but it wasn't because of the classes. It was, I think, because of the freedom. College has taught me by proxy, hasn't taught me anything but has created an atmosphere where I can teach myself things.

Perhaps it isn't the best, but I'll accept it, for now. The world isn't perfect... yet.

Vampires, Metaphorically.

A strange state of being has come over me recently, one that I am not totally unaware of. I've had this feeling many times before in my life, although at those times I had no clue what to call it, how to think of it. It wasn't until my best friend began to have the same transformation, at the same time, that we had any idea what to call it. We are vampires.

I eat little, I sleep little, I spend long hours indoors and especially in the dark hours of the night. My emotions are dead, I feel nothing except a sense of purpose that I work towards. I have gotten more writing done than I have in the whole time I've been here at this college. At the same time, I work out insane amounts, dangerous amounts. Sex is different, harder, and yet I seek it like a man in the desert seeks water. My mind is crystal clear, I think better than I ever have before, and yet at the same time I know that it is clouded, that there is something deathly wrong with me, no matter how much I like it.

In the end, I am still a man, but I have come into contact with something that is not man, something inside myself that is better in many ways and yet worse in many others. I have come into touch with the part of the man that is a beast, have come into touch with the darker and more primitive feelings that men generally lock away. I have come into touch with my beast, and that makes me a vampire.

When you strip away all the religious undertones that generally don't have any place in modern vampire myths anyway, these are the basic traits of any vampire. They are faster, stronger, more beautiful, and yet less human. They do not sleep, and they spend all their time in the dark. How is this any different than what I am doing right now? Perhaps it is a bit of a stretch, but I would like to think that, right now, I am becoming a vampire. It explains me perfectly, both my weaknesses and perfections.

Perhaps it is true that I am not actually a vampire, but that means nothing. The human mind is what creates reality, is what defines our lives. It is the human mind which imbues anything with meaning and purpose. And I choose to imbue myself with the image of the vampire. I wonder when I'll come back to earth as a regular human being.