Acceleration.

Things have taken their natural course. The good friend who I became intimate with is now my girlfriend. How do I feel about it? Well, somewhat more sure than last time.

Since we have officially started this relationship, true to my word, I have been pushing things, testing her. I have been trying to find her limits. She is not the most attractive woman in the world, if she has an excellent personality. However, there are still limits to how awesome her personality truly is. When I imply that I like another girl that she knows more than her, she becomes somewhat angry and very jealous, and while this is the only limit I have found so far, I am certain that there are others.

Of course, there is much that is right with her as well. She and I enjoy similar sexual antics, and when we are in public we both enjoy playfully insulting each other. She is also somewhat open about the power in the relationship, she understands that there must be give and take, and allows me many liberties in exchange for the freedom I give her. All in all, there is one bottom line. She makes me extremely happy. That is the most important part.

But it's also a problem. I can't afford to be happy. I do not mean to claim to be a depressed man, or anyone else who has mysteriously reversed their ideas of pleasure and pain, but I simply do not perform well when happy. When I become happy, I assume everything is right with the world, and do not strive for higher things. When I am dissatisfied with my life, then I can make actions to improve myself. However, improvement is a constant thing, and therefore I can hardly afford to allow myself to have any free time in there, much like what I am doing now.

I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, I am happy, but on the other I am doing what is best for myself in the long run. And to add more weight to the decision, choosing the long run may alienate this girl, preventing her from wanting to return to me later on when I may truly want her.

One of the big problems is something that I have been planning for some time now, that is, to take a month long vow of silence in the next quarter, so as to have time for introspection and much more work on self-improvement. This would be a great wedge in the relationship, no matter how I look at it. Even if we agreed to postpone our relationship for a month, there is no guarantee that I would return as the same person that she likes.

As I consider this, the winter quarter here is coming to a close. As I look back, I didn't get much done this quarter. I didn't produce anything, didn't make anything worth any value. Even now, when I am busy with finals and final papers, there is so much more time I could be using for writing, that I am wasting on video games and excessive napping.

Whatever I choose, it is going to go down very soon, after my spring break. It is then that I will have to decide how to proceed, and will have to find out how reality reacts to my decisions. It will be tough.