I am terribly unbalanced right now.
Last night, I chose to break up with my girlfriend. We both knew it was coming, we had discussed it to some extent earlier, but the thing that most surprised me was the abruptness.
So very suddenly, the person with whom I am closest was torn away from me, by my own hand. There was struggle, there was pain. But mostly, there was simply the act. It's all over now, it's done. My mind is unbalanced, but it is becoming more balanced by the second. I would like to think that my grief is uncontrollable, the despair too great, but that would be a lie. In the end, I suffered only as much as I expected to.
I regret it, of course I do. I wish I had never done it. She hurts, and I hurt. I do not wish to cause pain, but it was necessary. Our relationship was temporary, and it had to be ended before it became anything more than that. We both deserve better than each other, it had to be done. I loved her, and she loved me, but love is not enough. Love is simple, common, easy to find. In the end, it means nothing next to the great and endless calling that is necessity.
I wish to maintain the closest relationship with her that I can. She is one of my best friends, one of the few people that I respect in the world and one of the best at that. This will be difficult, we will both be unable to separate our feelings from our friendship for some time. But when it is all over, it will be better for both of us. That is why I have done this, that is why it had to happen.
On the positive side, this has provided me with great fuel for the fire. The recent trauma to my love life has also inspired great thoughts in my mind. Harnessing them is easy, and I have again begun work on my writings. Up until this point, I had been terribly behind in such. Not working on my primary objective in life, I began to hate myself, and I worked even less. Part of this was my obsession with World of Warcraft, another was my obsession with my girlfriend. Now that I have cleared my mind of these barriers, I can look myself in the mirror again, and be proud.
In other news, my physical training has been ahead of plan. I have fallen into a comfortable habit, I work out every day. I have begun to build muscle mass, and I am rather proud of it. Whereas it was once difficult to spend time each day doing it, it has now become easy. This assists my objectives greatly, as it clears up mental effort which can be better used in my newfound writing streak.
For the time being, I am unable to truly write, as my mind is still clouded by sadness and despair. I am truly sorry, I wish that it could have happened in a more peaceful way.