Life is beautiful, or so we make it.

Everyone told us that life was hideous and ugly, that it was dark and cold. Everyone told us that living is hard and that we should never be idealists, we could only survive as realists. People tell us that we cannot grow, that we should not work harder, that life is not about being better. But there's a problem. They were wrong.

Life is only what we make of it. There are two spheres of existence, the mind and the physical world. The physical world is nothing: it is made up of facts and cold ideas and rules, and by nature it has no meaning. The physical world is not ugly, nor is it beautiful. It simply IS, and we are dropped into it. Meaning is created only by the human mind. A woman is only beautiful because we think her such. Murder is only wrong because we have decided so. An object has no meaning, is imbued with it by the opinions and thoughts of each and every human being that views it. Therefore, if life is made up by us, why would we choose to make it hideous?

With nothing but the change of the mind, mankind could end this. The world could become beautiful and glowing, just and perfect. Why haven't we? Why have people decided that we should treat life as if it were hideous and cruel, and sweep it under the rug? Why would we choose to make something unattractive, when we can make it the most beautiful thing to ever exist?

I refuse. I refuse to follow these foolish beliefs. I refuse to believe that the world is evil, that life is hideous. I refuse to believe that I am nothing. I refuse to believe that I am unimportant. I am a god! Life is beautiful! Sadness is not sad, it can be happy as well. I see no darkness, I see no world except that which I create, and there is no darkness in it. I see a world where mankind thrives, where it is united and perfect. I see a world where I rule by a fist that is plated with compassion, and everyone is happy. I see a world that is perfect.

And so it is.



I have had a few problems, very recently. The woman with whom I first enjoyed sexuality rebelled against me, and did so in such a way that showed she had never understood me in the least. It hurt, so much more than I wanted it to. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Every time I invest myself in another person, I find myself disappointed and let down, often mercilessly.

Worst of all, was that in my understanding, she was trying to do such a thing because she saw me as cruel, and heartless, and therefore not her thing. She wanted me to be more like the regular person, more like the mindless mass, less like myself. But she does it by being bitter and hateful? Why should that motivate me to be kinder to the rest of the world? Do you really think you can fight wars in the name of peace?

Sex is greatly overemphasized by our culture. Men slobber over every attractive woman, worship those who can get them, and just generally waste time thinking rather than doing. It's not hard, women aren't any better than the men who worship them. We emphasize it so much, that when it actually comes around, it disappoints me. We emphasize it as being necessary in a relationship, which is an utter fallacy. Men don't have to be dating women they don't like in the hopes of fucking them. That's stupid. Relationships should be based on the mind, not the body. Sex should be freer and more open, to be shared between anyone comfortable enough with the other person. It doesn't have to be this fucking fetish or grand monument.

I dream of a future where in every relationship, a man can say to his woman, that he finds another woman rather attractive, and that he would rather screw her, and his girlfriend will not be offended. She'll just let the two of them have sex. Then her and her boyfriend can get back to loving each other because they are perfect for each other.

I say all this, because I think that one of the reasons why this girl did this to me, was that she didn't want to be in any kind of friends-with-benefits relationship, wanted me to care more about her. She never understood that in having casual sexual experiences with her, I was caring about her more than any other woman. I was saying, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, I will only concern myself with you. She had to ruin it all by rebelling, had to prove that she wasn't as smart as I thought, had to reduce her beauty by admitting that she was not intelligent enough for me. She certainly isn't the most physically attractive woman in the world, but she became so for me because of her mind. I was so broken to see it ruined all before my eyes. The world crashed down on me, ruining me again.

The three hours that followed were the worst three hours of my life in previous times. I had my first anxiety attack in perhaps six months. I still can't sleep as well anymore. The next day I could not force myself to function, just keeled over and followed myself around. Of course, for every downturn, there is an upturn. Very quickly, I bounced back. I began to meditate daily, exercised excessively, and now I spend much of my formerly wasted class time every day working on my novels in my terribly unreadable handwriting.

The grand problem here, as I have mentioned before, is that I am always confronted by how little I can trust other people. Excepting one person in my entire life, who I count as my one true friend, everyone that I invest myself in or test has always failed. They have always let me down, in every single way. I remember one girl who I asked to keep a simple secret from a single person. She told the next day, and I ignored her for a week, only to teach her how unimportant she was to me. She got the message, and I forgave her, never telling her that those days had been a test.

Admittedly, I have failed as well. There are times when I have not been able to keep promises, or have let others down. However, I remember each and every one of these vividly, I struggle with them every day. As a result, I have basically not betrayed a single person in nearly a year. I am not perfect, but I am trying, which makes me so much greater than everyone else.

That's sad to me. The only thing that I have to do to be better than everyone else is simply try? Imagine what I could do if I was actually forced to work.



So, I have not written for some time. In that time, many things have happened to me.

The first, and probably most important, is that I have enjoyed the largest sexual encounter of my entire life. It was about what I expected in many ways, but in others it fell short. We spend our lives obsessing over these things, and by the time they get here, they are sometimes not what you wanted them to be way back in the beginning. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters, is that after this, I woke up the next day with such a perfect view of the world. I hesitate to call it enlightenment.

That day was roughly two weeks ago, and since then I have enjoyed even more fun with the woman that I originally shared the experience with, and it has been pleasurable in the manner of such things. But throughout all of this, I have not lost the vision that I woke up with that morning. This vision is beautiful, the world is grand. I see now why there is happiness, and sadness, and every manner of everything inbetween. There is nothing good and evil, but thinking makes it so.

The extent to which a person is happy is not based on his circumstances, his achievements, his goals, or any other physical thing that this earth can give him or her. Happiness and sadness are constructs of the mind, and should be treated as such. The only thing that can make you happy is your mind, and to seek happiness from alcohol, drugs, sex, or any other physical activity is useless. These things don't change the mind, or if they do they do so temporarily.

A priori, man is happy or sad in his own mind. This happens regardless of circumstances, regardless of anything outside the self. I have been in situations where I have been crying and sad, yet at the same time I was happy, because A priori my life is beautiful. When people try to say that sadness is sad, and happiness is happy, they are lying. There is only the mind of the person, which makes each and every thing into something beforehand. The people of today seem to think that it is that which is A posteriori which is true, but they are wrong. Man can make anything of anything, based on that which is A priori in his mind, and that is where the source is.

In my ethics class, we studied an excerpt about the experience machine, a matrix-like device that can provide you with experiences of your choosing for a specified time, before you exit and you repeat the process. Virtually everyone in the class denied that they would use this machine, but their only comeback is that it is simply "because it isn't real". Someone did manage to bring up the idea that perhaps this is our life, and how is there any difference? How would we know? What they did not come upon, was the truth.

The truth is, no one would use the experience machine because it would not change a thing. The experience machine gives you the ability to change your circumstances, but not your inner self. For this reason, everyone who is unhappy would continue to be so, and everyone who is happy would also continue to do so. There is no reason to plug in, because nothing would change. There is another reason why they wouldn't do it: because deep down, they know this. They refuse to believe it, but if they went into the machine they would be forced to understand that they are flawed individuals with no way to improve themselves artifically.

A priori, life is beautiful, everything happens for a reason, nothing is wrong. This is my style. I am ALWAYS HAPPY. Even when I'm sad.


Knowledge (Theory)

I suppose I've thought a lot more about the idea of knowledge, and what makes people smart, since my last blog. Indeed, in college I've got so many chances to see both the smart and the stupid in action, and they are at first superficially similar. This, I hate.

Our society is one that places a premium not on real knowledge, not on the ability to quantify facts or even to produce new ones, but rather to take facts that we have and pretend that they are different ones. We are encouraged to read between the lines, but this is not always good. Let me explain.

Every book that has been written, by any author, since the beginning of time, has had one single purpose. The author has thought of one message for the book, or perhaps several, but they are all that the author has put forth. However, in every class today, every student can think of about 80 things the author might have been trying to say, and seems smart for doing so. They act like books are a mystical source of theme and plot, and like all these new messages have simply grown out of the book. They have not. You have just fucking made them up.

Most of the themes produced by students about the books that they have read in the classroom are false. If any author had the capacity and intelligence to actually think and consciously add all the themes that these idiots are thinking of, then I would worship him as a grand and powerful man. The problem is, he cannot. Our society thinks it is smart to read between the lines. THERE AREN'T ALWAYS LINES TO READ BETWEEN. Sometimes, a book is just a book. Sometimes the author only means to say the things that he is written. Intelligence is not the ability to bullshit your way into believing that the author has given you some brand new and powerful message. Intelligence is the capacity to quantify facts and produce new ones.

For this reason, it is not necessarily that smart to be a doctor, either. There are men who are thought smart because they can regurgitate facts endlessly. They do not think about these facts, do not produce new ones. They simply become a storage drive on a computer. That is not intelligence. Intelligence is the ability to think critically, to derive facts and USE them. A doctor may use his knowledge to cure a patient, and that is smart. But being a doctor does not make you smart. You are made smart by your mind, which is not a part of the physical world. There is no way to prove in our physical world, that you are smart. So why keep doing it?

Another story comes to me. After reading our summer common reading book, our college invited the author to visit us and discuss it. In a grand assembly, the entire class asked questions. One boy stepped up and said that he had seen one of the characters as a Christ allegory. Was this so? Of course, in my pew, I burst out laughing. (to myself, that is.) Anyone can think of a Christ allegory. It's the simplest template, the stupidest thing a person can do to look smart. The author responded similarly. He told the boy, that as a society we are obsessed with Christ, and should get off our high horse. Yet, to everyone, that boy looked smart. Why?

Knowledge is not the ability to regurgitate, nor to record. Knowledge is the ability to see, and then create.