Unexpected progress.

I have been the glad bearer of unexpected progress in my life. In my last blog, I mentioned my uncertainty about the status of my girlfriend, and what type of person she was. I was finishing my finals, and I was about to have spring break. I planned to tell the girl my true feelings over this break, and intimate my idea of taking a vow of silence next quarter in order to make more progress in my self perfection.

I am pleased to say that the girl passed the test with flying colors. She is not a mover, but she is perhaps on her way. She understands me, and what I want, in the very least, and she is supportive. This was profound to me, more moving than it should have been. I could barely speak when I made this revelation to her, my heart pounding so much in my chest, and my words quavering when they left my mouth, and tears ready to form. When she told me that she understood, I was struck with a happiness so profound and strong that it should never have happened. Whatever else, I have certainly picked a good woman to serve as my girl.

Also, this break has proven to be especially fruitful in every other way. I got to see old friends, particularly my best friend and fellow mover, and I made great progress in everything. I caught up in television, reading, and other social things, and made it halfway through a re-reading of the berserk manga, which is an excellent work with a great influence on me. Also, I have dedicated much time to writing, and I have maintained a tough work out schedule. Essentially, everything is going right.

That only leaves the future, or the possible vow of silence. The vow, if I do take it, will not be easy. It will be terribly difficult on me, but I will do it because I have to. I need to do it, in order to help recreate the same environment there that I have here.

The problem is people. So many people go through their lives simply wasting time, simply waiting. When you step into a theater, or other crowded area, and you watch the people during a show, there is no emotion on their faces. They are not enjoying the show, they are waiting for a time when they will enjoy it. Thousands of faces, packed into a theater, waiting. It's a strange sight. But then, the same thing happens everyday, to so many people. People move through their lives, simply choosing to be happy, rather than being good. The movers, the people like me and the friends that I appreciate, these are the people that do not enjoy enjoyment for its sake, but rather enjoy the good for enjoyment's sake.

And when you put me in a group of people that are simply waiting, it's easy to join them. The power of the mob is not to be overlooked. All the friends, all the people that I know, all these people help slow me down, by making me enjoy life. But happiness is not everything. I don't need to be happy. Happy is not enough.

This is why I want to take the vow. By severing my connection with these people, communication, I can retain my identity and go back to doing what makes me fulfilled rather than happy. It will be hard, because I want to be like these people, and I enjoy being like them, even though I know that it is pitiful and weak.

Very shortly, I will be returning to school for the new semester. New classes, new people, and everything in between. More things to avoid when I take the vow. But I'm going to do it, because I have to, because there are better things in the world than what we already have.

However, there is another thing on my mind. When I look back at all the things that have happened, I am surprised by the progress I have already made, despite all my failures. I have failed to do many a thing, failed to uphold convictions, aced just as weak as others, and enjoyed it every bit as much, but despite all this, I am far better than many of the people that I know. It is strange, when I hear that ordinary people, people that I know and consider decent people, do such stupid things as drop out of college, as decide to flip burgers rather than continue their education. This scares me, but also reminds me of my superiority. I would enjoy this, except that it is undeserved praise.

I would enjoy my success if it was deserved. I am scared by the world out there, so weak and strange. I do not know how it functions.



Things have taken their natural course. The good friend who I became intimate with is now my girlfriend. How do I feel about it? Well, somewhat more sure than last time.

Since we have officially started this relationship, true to my word, I have been pushing things, testing her. I have been trying to find her limits. She is not the most attractive woman in the world, if she has an excellent personality. However, there are still limits to how awesome her personality truly is. When I imply that I like another girl that she knows more than her, she becomes somewhat angry and very jealous, and while this is the only limit I have found so far, I am certain that there are others.

Of course, there is much that is right with her as well. She and I enjoy similar sexual antics, and when we are in public we both enjoy playfully insulting each other. She is also somewhat open about the power in the relationship, she understands that there must be give and take, and allows me many liberties in exchange for the freedom I give her. All in all, there is one bottom line. She makes me extremely happy. That is the most important part.

But it's also a problem. I can't afford to be happy. I do not mean to claim to be a depressed man, or anyone else who has mysteriously reversed their ideas of pleasure and pain, but I simply do not perform well when happy. When I become happy, I assume everything is right with the world, and do not strive for higher things. When I am dissatisfied with my life, then I can make actions to improve myself. However, improvement is a constant thing, and therefore I can hardly afford to allow myself to have any free time in there, much like what I am doing now.

I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, I am happy, but on the other I am doing what is best for myself in the long run. And to add more weight to the decision, choosing the long run may alienate this girl, preventing her from wanting to return to me later on when I may truly want her.

One of the big problems is something that I have been planning for some time now, that is, to take a month long vow of silence in the next quarter, so as to have time for introspection and much more work on self-improvement. This would be a great wedge in the relationship, no matter how I look at it. Even if we agreed to postpone our relationship for a month, there is no guarantee that I would return as the same person that she likes.

As I consider this, the winter quarter here is coming to a close. As I look back, I didn't get much done this quarter. I didn't produce anything, didn't make anything worth any value. Even now, when I am busy with finals and final papers, there is so much more time I could be using for writing, that I am wasting on video games and excessive napping.

Whatever I choose, it is going to go down very soon, after my spring break. It is then that I will have to decide how to proceed, and will have to find out how reality reacts to my decisions. It will be tough.



The world moves faster and faster.

One of the new friends that I have recently made has become very close to me. This weekend, the two of us became very intimate one night. I greatly enjoyed it. The only real question is, how do I feel about it? I'm not sure.

When I think about it, she is an attractive girl. A bit ordinary in her beauty, but with an excellent personality and attractive nonetheless. By all accounts, I should be fully enjoying this. The only damper to that would probably be the girl that I fell in love with first, who is not in my life at all right now. The thing is that the first is rarely in my life anymore, and it is hard to love someone who is not in your life, and that even then, I am a being perfectly capable of understanding that I can love multiple people at once, there is no barrier. I would be perfectly capable of loving both of these women at once. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I love either.

Sex is a wondrous thing. It brings pleasure, and it unites people. It is perhaps the most profound physical action that we have. Yet, for all that it is, physical action is not tantamount, is not important, so by a strange extension, neither really is sex. I believe that I'm coming to realize that sex means very little to me.

I think I am an asexual being. I am not sure how I have come to this, but it is the only thing that seems right. Sex has never meant much to me, and now that I grow ever closer to it, I don't think it will when I get it. I think that there are many more things out there in the world than simply sex, and I have very little time for the little things of the world. Where then, does that leave me in my new relationship?

Physical intimacy is nothing to me. I've had it with many people. Mental intimacy, on the other hand, is much harder for me to ever give up. I've done it with a total of three people in my life. One was much like me, but did not seem to realize it. Another was much like me, and has become my best friend. The third was not like me at all, and when I betrayed myself to her she did not understand what it was, and to this day I believe that she is frightened of me. I do not have a very good track record. Usually when I do these kinds of things, I end up hurt. But I think that I will do it again.

I think that I will try to go further, I will try to push this further, I will try to push my limits. I will let this girl see me for who I am, and if it tears us apart then so be it. Maybe I have something, but it certainly isn't simply sex. We shall see.