Impasse.

I have reached an interesting point in my life.

When you go to a theater, or a crowded area, or some sort of show, you should take a look around you while the performance is going on. Every person in the audience has the same look, a blank stare, as if they are waiting for something, passing their time. I despise this look. This look contains no intellect, no idea. This look is the look of the herd, of the sheep, of the cows led to the slaughter. This is the look of abject and pure selflessness, to be totally absorbed in another. This should not exist.

But worse is when this look does not simply stay in the theater. Worse are the people who look like this and act like this all the time. They wander aimlessly, waiting to be led. It is subtle, and harder to notice, but the same look can be seen. These people have no concept of self, no will to be. Naturally then, I do not like to interact with these people. It is like the way noblemen would not look upon their servants and peasants. In some ways, they were justified, because no peasant picked up a knife and stabbed his nobleman for not looking at him. The peasant made no effort to change things. He may have claimed to reject it, but he enjoyed being exploited and led.

You can imagine my disappointment to discover this look in several of my friends. I knew it already, although I could not put my finger on it. Of my seven friends, only roughly three ever propose things for us to do. The rest simply follow aimlessly, not bothering to think for themselves. I do not like this. But I am glad, because something special has happened.

I have made another set of friends. This is not a set of friends to be led, but a set to lead. These friends are active, rather than passive, and they are the kind of people I enjoy being around. In the short time that I have been friends with these people, I have opened up more to them than to the rest of my friends combined. This is a wonderful development. My life is taking turns upwards.

Other than this, my life has been much the same as it always has. I have endured the usual amount of stupidity and arrogance, and everything in between. The only thing that is missing is the girl that I am enamored of. Because of my close relation to my new friends, I have had little time to think of her, and that does not really please me. I must make some effort to reconnect with her, sometime soon. Until then, I am not able to achieve the things I want to achieve.

Until then, I have reached an impasse.

Depression.

My work has slowed down, I cannot write. I am not sure why, but I am taking a break regardless. The ideas still flow, somewhat, but they do not connect. I can't work like this, so I am playing like this. School has gotten a bit tougher for the moment as well. Recently my work load has been much higher, and with keeping fit, reading, and typing papers, mandatory things with my friends, and the like, I have had little time.

One thing that has annoyed me recently is my philosophy class. While anyone who has read any of this before will know that I have a dislike for my philosophy teacher, I really cannot stress enough that she is rather unintelligent, and terrible at teaching. She praises idiocy and intelligence alike, because she cannot tell the difference, and her style of teaching is generally more harmful to learning than it is helpful.

One problem that she has brought up often, is that of the experience machine. The experience machine is a hypothetical version of our favorite sci-fi movie, The Matrix, in which we are allowed to enter a virtual reality of our choosing. We are supposed to determine whether or not we would go in, and if we do, what we would make our new reality like, if we are free to do anything.

Now, of course this is an interesting idea. However, the responses I have heard are hideous. People have said that they will not go in for the most part, although everyone has their own reasons, and they have demonstrated varying degrees of intelligence. However, my problem is in the hypothetical situation in which you do go in, in which you are supposed to choose how you would change your world.

Before I criticize, let me put forth my views. Firstly, it does not matter whether or not I go into the experience machine or not. I have talked about this in a previous blog, but the reasoning for this is that humanity exists in the brain somewhat A priori, that is, that each person exists in their own mind, and changing their circumstances will hardly change their life. To put yourself into a machine that only changes circumstances, then, is useless. Whether or not I go into the machine, my level of happiness will remain somewhat unchanged, when I adapt to my new conditions. If I was unhappy as a poor man, and went in and became a rich man, I would find that I would be no more happy than before. The want of money I had as a poor man could not be satisfied by money, it was a character defect that meant that I was incomplete, and would thus be happy regardless of whether I had the money or not, and I only blamed it on the money because I would be afraid to change.

When asked about what I would change if I was going in, I said "nothing." Nothing I can change by instantly remaking the world would be a change for the better. Therefore, this life is somewhat perfect. Why would I want to change? I was shocked by the response that my philosophy teacher gave. "That's so deep!" Deep? Deep means not that something is intelligent, but that you don't understand it, and therefore you are not. There is nothing deep about thinking that this is a wonderful world, and not wanting to leave it, it's as simple as the sun rising. I wanted to choke.

Worse is what some of the "brightest" philosophers in the class, the ones who are majoring in philosophy, have said. There are only a few of them, and they go on and on about how smart that they think themselves to be. However, when asked what one would change if he went in, he simply said a lot of money. What? Even the most base of true philosophers can see that money means nothing for happiness. The responses from the others were equally sickening. A man who cannot read is no different from the man who reads and does not understand.

Another problem in my current life, is that I have become somewhat displeased with my current friends. I wish them no disrespect, but I am different from them, and in many obvious ways. In order to better myself, I must find a way to cast them off, at least partially. I do not wish them harm, I simply wish to improve my life, and I cannot do that with them. They are a simply ordinary group.

Then again, I am hardly extraordinary at the moment. I have no contacts, no way to impress the woman I love, and nothing to my name.

I need to get over this slump, and soon.

I shed this pitiful shell.

Over the past few weeks, I have made marvelous strides in my work. Much less of my time do I spend wasted, and much more of it do I spend working. Sometimes, this is on my novels. Other times, this is on my school work and the like. I do not regret it, there is only one thing I miss.

I have fallen in love, and it is painful, because she is the kind of girl who is not easily caught. She is like a firefly in the night, only beautiful because she is so difficult to catch. And you know, that if you were to put this firefly in a jar, it would die out and its light would vanish. But so beautiful she is! I lay awake at night thinking about her, and it is becoming a problem.

But right now, there is only my work, and that is a problem as well. Perhaps this will be resolved, sooner or later, perhaps I will work up the courage to tell her how I feel, but I do not think it will come soon. Until then, I must keep writing.

I dedicate it all to her. I dedicate all I do to the best in people, the beauty and the power. Hopefully, when judgment day comes, that will be enough. Until then, I must work. I don't even have time to write more here. So I must go.

Goodbye, all.