Be excellent to each other.

I recently finished my first quarter of my second year of college. It feels strange, as life always does. More and more, time passes, and I wonder whether it really happened at all. Time passes, faster and faster, and I feel like I can no longer hold onto it. I can no longer be spontaneous, do what I want, go out and break the world. I ceased to be superman in the process of becoming stronger, but I miss the days of flying and the feeling of importance.

This quarter was spent in a bustle of studying, working, writing, reading, and just general time-wasting. There is hardly ever a moment when I'm not busy, and even fewer that I can remember as special or interesting. Time passes, faster and faster.

On the plus side, I'm writing. I'm writing well, and I'm writing a lot. It has ceased to be a chore, and becomes something more like a chore every day. I do it for fun, and this I enjoy. Stories are actually capable of finishing themselves, and my mind actually moves in time with the things that I write. As such, I can make real progress.

I also enjoyed my classes this quarter. I picked up French for the first time in three years, and since it's the first time since I discovered my love of learning, it was the first time that I realized that I enjoy it. I enjoy speaking in other languages, I enjoy seeing the connections and differences between my language and another. I may try to learn other languages in the future.

My philosophy teacher this quarter was also the first one I have enjoyed. I may have spoken of him earlier, I do not remember. Regardless, he is the most knowledgeable person I have ever heard to speak on the topic. He speaks clearly and concisely, and he teaches well. I learned more in two weeks of his class than with two semesters of class with my previous teacher, whom you may know that I hated.

This was a breath of fresh air. It is the most comforting thing in the world to know that you are not alone, that there are others like you. I am disgusted constantly, by every person that I run into, who seems to think that they are smart, yet cannot deliver a single intelligent thought. I am even more disgusted by the people who tell me that this material is "difficult", or that they do not wish to try hard at it. I am disgusted by weakness, and I try so very hard not to let it show.

I've also had a much heavier workload this quarter, what with relearning French and everything else. This is what has contributed, in part, to the sudden flight of time. Being occupied, every instant of every day. I spent hours every day in the library, and while I do not regret it, there is something that I am missing. What it is, yet, I cannot say. This is modern alienation; I hurt, though I do not know why.

There is also the issue of my recent trouble with my girlfriend. I feel like she is one of the things that is, well, not holding me back, but contributing to this life-rut that I have become stuck in. I have become less attracted to her, and I begin to feel as if I know all that there is to her. While this is grossly untrue, I know, it is a symptom of a deeper problem.

Worse, my lack of surety about the exact nature of my sexuality has also widened the chasm. She wishes to continue having sex, though I am not so sure that I wish to. We do it less, for certain, and I am less attracted to the concept, but I begin to wonder whether I want to do it at all. Once again, I feel as if I have done all there is to do, and that it is time to move on.

I am currently in the process of writing my final papers, next week being finals week and the last week before a month long break. Hopefully, I'll have time to work on writing more during this break. There is also more news to be shared, yet it is something of which I am uncomfortable speaking at the moment, and the time is late. Goodnight.



Over the course of this school year, my sex drive has been slowly falling.

I can attribute this to numerous things. Firstly, I was deprived of pornography for perhaps a month as a result of the loss of my laptop. Secondly, while it pains me to admit, I am becoming tired of my girlfriend, at least in a sexual manner.

It becomes harder and harder to sexually satisfy myself. The time I must spend in bed grows longer, and my masturbatory fantasies become increasingly more absurd, exaggerated and gross. The issue is that my taste has refined itself to a point beyond reality, into the realm of the ideal, where it should not possibly go.

Sexuality is becoming a strange thing for me. For the life of myself, I cannot decide whether I am a non-sexual, or pan-sexual man. For most of my life, I have labored under the impression that beauty, in all its forms, is to be revered. I have found beauty in the forms of both women and men, and in the manner in which their minds produce a personality that also factors in. I have had no prejudice. Yet, the conclusion that follows, is that everything is beautiful, and if everything is beautiful, then nothing is.

I once looked upon the world and decided that I would like to have sex with a lot of women. I was not satisfied by the concept of being tied to any one, and acted accordingly. Then, I realized that I would like to have sex with men as well. I adjusted my views. Then, I realized that many women and men are repulsed by this idea, for sex is an important act, and for them it is cheapened by sharing it with too many. As such, I found a girlfriend to share myself with, and was thus taught my first actual and practical lessons in sex, rather than random play. But then, I began to realize that my mind had moved even further. I would not like to have sex with the world, but rather I would like to be intimate with it, an action far more meaningful, intelligent, and fun, than sex. In essence, when I now see a beautiful woman walking down the street, I would rather be close friends with her, and be physically intimate, than to actually have sex.

This arises, in part, from the sort of pan-sexuality that I have in my mind. There is an ideal beauty out there, in the intellect, but not existing in the world. This is what I am attracted to, and can never have. There is an ideal of a beautiful woman, with which I would have sex, and an ideal of a beautiful man, with which I would have sex as well. But you can't put your dick in an ideal. As such, I am required to settle for the things that are actually of this world, things that are imitations of the ideal above. Some women are more like this ideal than others, these are considered beautiful. Some are about as far from it as can be, and these are considered ugly.

But for this reason, I feel as if perhaps it is no longer time to simply settle for less. Maybe sex, as the way I envision it, was not meant for this world. Perhaps, after I die, I will go to a land of ideas, and there I will be pleased. But on this earth, there is little that can do such for me. I am beginning to wonder whether the compromise is necessary, and for this reason, I cannot decide which form of sexuality I truly endorse, pan- or non-.

Certainly, this is a choice, a choice very typical of my philosophy. There are two realities, that of the ideal, and that of the real. I believe that reality is that which should truly be pursued, for the ideal has no place in relation to others, where the nature of ethics and sex lie. Yet, at the same time, in this one thing, I prefer the ideal. I prefer it, though I feel that I should not, though every philosophical belief I hold is one of utility and reality.

I am very uncertain.


Back at school.

I haven't written anything here in the last month. Naturally, I've been quite overwhelmed by school, and haven't had the time to properly think and put down my thoughts. I've taken on a heavier workload, including a philosophy class not taught by an idiot, and a french class which requires massive amounts of work, as I have not studied French in several years.

Here I am, a month later, and things have only barely begun to settle down. I spend much more of my time working this year, and so far I am enjoying it. On the other hand, what with seeing old friends and socializing as I want, I have very little time to keep writing, or work on any of the other numerous goals in my life.

My laptop also very recently broke down, preventing me from both amusing myself and from working seriously on any kind of writing. I have had to quit world of warcraft for the time being, but at the same time I have been prevented from having constant access from numerous and useless tiny web games that I mostly used to eat up time. Worse, my attempts to continue writing on the school computers have been rebuffed by a sudden failure of my flash drive and all sorts of god-knows-what. But I am still trying.

It has become obvious to me that I must have another month of silence this year. I also feel that this one will be far more productive, mostly because this year I have a room of my own. Last year, I had nowhere to retreat to if I wished to be alone and my friends were spending time with my roommate. This year, I can be alone as often as I wish. I don't intend to do it this early on in the year, but it will happen, and it is something that I need to think about.

I also want to return to my point that my philosophy teacher this year is far better than the one I had for the last few classes. The woman that I had before was an educational communist, in the worst and most literal sense. She would tell the class to read something, and then perhaps five of the class would. Only two of those five would understand it. then, on the day that it comes time to discuss this reading, she would offer no help of her own, but rather conduct a public forum run essentially by kids who hadn't read the material, and a handful that had. Those that had read the material shared it with the class, who then expounded on it with terrifying unintelligence, for no one had told them what any of what they had read or tried to read meant, and everyone got an A for the most minor effort, except for the people who had tried, who got an A for wasted effort. This isn't teaching, this is the kind of idiocy that one can find on any street corner. I am shocked I paid money to go to this class.

Essentially, the woman did not attempt to help us understand anything. At the end of the day, we had read many things, but none of us comprehended anything, and I'm sure she didn't either. How she got the job, I have no clue.

Yet, my teacher this time is far better. He understands the material, and spends the class time explaining it to the students. Some don't read, but they are actually disadvantaged by it. Some understand it and bother to read, and they are rewarded. At the end of the day, we have learned something of the intention behind the material we absorbed, the class is challenging, and I go home happy. This is teaching, and this man I respect.

As such, I have been absorbing and understanding the great thinkers at a far better rate. My own philosophies and ideals have come into examination, and have evolved. The picture of what I intend to do with my philosophy has become clearer, and more refined. I no longer fear that my philosophical works will be ignored, because I know that they represent an intelligent and new look on things. I have removed the bits of idiocy and redundancy, and produced a cohesive vision. I only need to write it, and I will be done.

However, there is one thing that I am less thrilled by. My physical training has waned, as has my drive for sex. As I focus more on the mind, I have become unbalanced, and I am beginning to turn away from the pleasures and fruits of the body. I no longer go to the gym everyday, and I am becoming less and less driven to pleasure with my girlfriend. Yet, at the same time, I have no wish to hurt her or myself, so I wish to overcome this temporary hurdle. Hopefully, I can work through this, in order to maintain a greater level of happiness. But then, we shall see.



So, I have not updated this blog in quite a long time. After my breakup, I was devastated, and have begun to rethink my life in large portions. As such, I haven't felt like putting my thoughts down here, because they have been jumbled and uncertain. And then, after quite a while, they began to organize themselves, but I could still not motivate myself to care.

I did not last an entire week after breaking up with my girlfriend. I couldn't do it. I truly do love her. It pained me so much to attempt it, but I tried to separate myself from her, knowing that I did not have much time left. It turns out, the time was already past. I love her, purely and truly, as I have never loved anyone else. I am bound to her, for the rest of my life, for better or for worse.

Of course, I talked to her, and I believe that we have reached a proper equilibrium now. We have agreed on an open relationship, because I am certainly not the kind of man to keep his attention on one girl, and I believe that she needs space as well as I. I wish to try and be as open and honest as possible, although it is true that I do not always think of her, and that I sometimes downplay the influence that she has on me.

After the breakup and inevitable return, I accelerated my work. I have finished several short stories, copied down ideas for several more, and the overall quality of my writing has greatly improved. On top of this, I am able to write longer, and become more engrossed in my work. Adversity has helped me, in this case.

As such, this summer has been very productive. I am not sure if I mentioned this before, or if it had even developed by that time, but I have been working two jobs. With this, I have managed to pad my bank account with a lot more starting cash, and I have begun to consider investing. In the early stages of this school year, I hope to open some sort of investment account and begin with some safe stocks. Add this with the general success I've had in writing, the future is looking bright.

Another development has occurred in my all-consuming hobby of World of Warcraft. This Summer, I was introduced to a good guild, and have been raiding with them since, consistently being one of the most effective players in our groups. I learn strategies quickly, put out a lot of dps, and show up to nearly every raid. Yet, at the same time, this experience begins to grow sour. I am not well recognized for my contributions. The rest of the guild is certainly not up to my quality, and it hurts. Worse, it is getting to the point where the game does not entice me as much anymore, simply because it is growing to be too easy. Add with that apathetic guild leaders and some recent drama, and I have begun to play only on raid nights, so as to minimize game time. Perhaps I will quit altogether, although the game still manages to pull me in every once in a while. I plan to play only on raid nights during this school year, so as to minimize the impact this has on my schoolwork as well, but I cannot be sure how that will work out.

Tonight, I watched the VMA's, as it was raid night but another raid fell apart due to inept leadership. I must say, I am concerned by the great amount of pride that people are putting into trashing Kanye West. During the awards, Taylor Swift won the award for best female video, something that Kanye obviously did not agree with. As such, he went up on stage, took the mike from her, and told her so.

Now, within minutes there were perhaps thirty messages all over facebook about what a terrible person he is, with the occasional message to support him as they agreed with him. What I don't understand, is why it has to be so important. People get annoyed by things like this everyday. Perhaps you've been picked last for the team, or a fine woman has chosen another man over you. You disagree with the statement. But you don't say anything, because you don't want to speak up and cause trouble. Sometimes, you become particularly angry, because it's something that you're invested in, and you actually speak out, finally gathering up the courage to admit your disagreement. This is all Kanye did. Since when did this have to become the focus of half the youth of the U.S.?

I am disappointed by how much emotion and drama was caused by such a simple act. Just move on, forget about it. Who cares? Obviously, the youth of this nation does, and this scares me. The world is so preoccupied with such little things, that they can't ever look at the big picture. Truly, I am disgusted.

However, after the VMA's, a documentary about Lil Wayne came on. Within me burned a sudden urge to listen to rap, and I did. I have always appreciated the finest of rap music, because there is something about rap, as a genre, that is soulful and powerful. Stripped away of all its pretensions, and everything that the media has done to it, most rap has been about the barest, most meaningful things in life, and I like that. Listening to the beats now, it strikes me that if I ever write music, it will be rap. It suits me.

The creative power inside me has been awoken by this little event, and I feel infinite. Downloading new tracks to listen to, I feel the essence of the music in my veins. Behind it all, it is simple. There are simply words, drawn from the heart, emotionalized in this lyrical style and this handful of beats. There is something down there, beautiful, and right now, I am trying to find it.



I am terribly unbalanced right now.

Last night, I chose to break up with my girlfriend. We both knew it was coming, we had discussed it to some extent earlier, but the thing that most surprised me was the abruptness.

So very suddenly, the person with whom I am closest was torn away from me, by my own hand. There was struggle, there was pain. But mostly, there was simply the act. It's all over now, it's done. My mind is unbalanced, but it is becoming more balanced by the second. I would like to think that my grief is uncontrollable, the despair too great, but that would be a lie. In the end, I suffered only as much as I expected to.

I regret it, of course I do. I wish I had never done it. She hurts, and I hurt. I do not wish to cause pain, but it was necessary. Our relationship was temporary, and it had to be ended before it became anything more than that. We both deserve better than each other, it had to be done. I loved her, and she loved me, but love is not enough. Love is simple, common, easy to find. In the end, it means nothing next to the great and endless calling that is necessity.

I wish to maintain the closest relationship with her that I can. She is one of my best friends, one of the few people that I respect in the world and one of the best at that. This will be difficult, we will both be unable to separate our feelings from our friendship for some time. But when it is all over, it will be better for both of us. That is why I have done this, that is why it had to happen.

On the positive side, this has provided me with great fuel for the fire. The recent trauma to my love life has also inspired great thoughts in my mind. Harnessing them is easy, and I have again begun work on my writings. Up until this point, I had been terribly behind in such. Not working on my primary objective in life, I began to hate myself, and I worked even less. Part of this was my obsession with World of Warcraft, another was my obsession with my girlfriend. Now that I have cleared my mind of these barriers, I can look myself in the mirror again, and be proud.

In other news, my physical training has been ahead of plan. I have fallen into a comfortable habit, I work out every day. I have begun to build muscle mass, and I am rather proud of it. Whereas it was once difficult to spend time each day doing it, it has now become easy. This assists my objectives greatly, as it clears up mental effort which can be better used in my newfound writing streak.

For the time being, I am unable to truly write, as my mind is still clouded by sadness and despair. I am truly sorry, I wish that it could have happened in a more peaceful way.



I have recently decided to make this blog semi-public; to put it on my facebook and twitter so that others may have some insight into my ideas. The most important of these was my girlfriend, who has been somewhat mature about the things that she has read in it. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that other people may not have been so mature about it.

Now, I am in no position to make judgments. I have very little understanding of what happened, and even if it did happen. However, as I understand it, several of my friends have been gossiping about my blog, especially as it pertains to them, and there was something of an argument. I was not there, I only have the vaguest second-hand account. However, whether or not it did occur in the manner that I think it did, it still raises questions in my mind.

This blog may be misinterpreted, misunderstood. That's a problem. I don't make this blog to be misunderstood. I make it for the exact opposite, to clarify and understand and in turn be understood. Not what is happening if the above occurrence is true. People are confusing my words, taking only the wrong meanings from them, doing the wrong things with them, and that is a problem.

Of course, there are only two courses of action to take. I can either do nothing about it, and continue to be misunderstood, or I can censor myself and cease to be misunderstood, but also cease to produce true and quality thought in this blog. But given these two options, I will always choose the first.

The world does not need another liar. The world does not need another cheat. There are plenty of those in excess already. What the world needs is men and women of truth, men and women of unashamed superiority, men and women of progress and potency. We live in a world that worships both the best and the worst of the human kind, and I refuse to be the worst. I will not waste my time on misdirection, I will not spend my time with delusion or falsehood. In order to be the best that I can, I cannot be anything less.

For this reason, I will not tone myself down. If this blog costs me my job, my friends, and everything else, at least I can say that I have truly tried. Perhaps there are those who would think differently, I am not one of them. I refuse to allow myself to be censored. I refuse to be censored by my own foolish wants and short-term longings. I cannot keep anything but the future in mind, and those with a true brain on their shoulders will commend me, not vilify me, and they are the only kind of people who I wish to satisfy.

On another note, the issue of the internet and its place in my goal has also become a major topic of thought. I have to admit that it is useful, necessary, for social networking and the benefits that it entails. However, I also must admit that I cannot become overly concerned with it. There are those who do, those who spend their lives centered around the worship of others through the internet, they will have no time for themselves. I understand that I am not achieving the best possible amount of sociality through my minor use of social networking services. I think more of myself than others, and it shows. I am not as social in real life as I could be, simply because I am not as social on the internet as I could be.

But then again, I am the most selfish bastard on the earth. I have no right to pretend otherwise. I feel that perhaps this fits me, this combination of renown and anonymity. I feel that I have struck a zen balance, at least for myself, and that is beneficial.

But I have no more time to muse on this. I must go back to my writing.


Finger on the trigger.

I've been rather slow in getting to my goals this summer. This, of course, is nothing new. However, at the same time it is something that I've thought about in great detail.

My mind is like a machine. It always works, but exactly when I don't want it to. When I read a book, it analyzes, compares, examines. Within minutes, I can barely pay attention to the text in front of me. Within a few more, I'm considering how I can do it better. When I try to sleep, my mind brews. It doesn't rest, simply keeps mulling over everything that it has experienced that day. I cannot fall asleep for hours.

Yet, at the same time, my mind never works when I want it to. When I sit down at a computer to write, I can barely go five minutes without feeling creatively drained. When I try to remember the things that I thought over the night before, there is nothing but a massive blank.

I feel like a man poised with his finger on the trigger of a gun. I hold great power in my hands, great potential. I know what has to be done. I have prepared myself, my target is in sight. Yet, for some reason, I can never pull the trigger.

I feel like a man among ants, afraid to make a move for fear of crushing them. I know that they are nothing before me. Yet, I cannot make the move.

There is something inside me that holds me back. There is something about the world that I don't properly understand, so I cannot yet move on. My intellect is staggering, my mind powerful. Yet, my life has been characterized by an inability to complete things. My mind can hardly begin one thing before it moves on to another. Perhaps there is some defect in it, some flaw, some condition, but I doubt it. What stands is a confusing lack of ability to follow through despite every wish to the contrary.

People are not recognized in the world based purely on their existence. In order to be recognized, there must also exist some sort of physical manifestation of their existence, some action or creation. I am not smart unless I go out into the world and act with intelligence and wit. I am not a good artist unless I produce good paintings. I am not a good musician unless I produce good music. I feel like a king without a kingdom, an artist without his paintings, a musician without any music.

The tools are in front of me, the materials ready. Why can I not follow through?

In other news, I am at least being somewhat productive with my summer. I have secured a second job, where I work roughly four hours a day, in the mornings. It is far from ideal. Yet, at the same time, it is far more than I have done up until now. I have a steady income, an easy job, and the efficiency not to waste this money. My bank account grows. I am ever closer to my goals.

At the same time, the issue of my girlfriend is unresolved. She grows more beautiful in my eyes, every day. But at the same time, she is not the height of beauty, and I know this. If I wish for a perfect girl, she must be beautiful as well as intelligent. As of now, I only have one of the two. My mind wishes to convince me otherwise, and paints her more stunning every day. As such, I am loathe to let her go.

I am also unsure of how this will affect our relationship. I hold the greatest respect for her, but we cannot continue this. After the eventual break, there will also be the matter of how we continue to relate. She is a good friend, and one that I wish to keep. Will our split change that? I still wish to hang out, still want to see her and her friends often. What will happen?

Here I am. I am here.


Late update.

So, I am done with my first year of college.

I have not been able to update on this simply because I've been very busy for the past two weeks. Pulling the largest workload of anyone I have been aware of, I completed three term papers and took three finals, having taken three classes. I had nearly no time for myself, spending nearly two weeks in a constant state of work. Best of all, I loved it.

I chose the harder final for one class, despite not benefiting as much from it as was necessary. I have never been more happy than I was in those few days. I only wish they could have continued. While I was so productive for that period of time, I have been far less so with the beginning of the Summer. I cannot write, I am behind in my exercise, and I have bounced back and forth between various hangouts, generally wasting time. This is a problem, one I try so very hard to correct. At the moment, I am making progress.

Another recent development is that of my relationship with my girlfriend. I told her, one night about a week ago, that we could not be together, that I did not truly love her, that I was already beginning to grow bored of her. Our sex life is also declining. The only problem, is that she takes it so well. She does truly love me, and this only makes it harder for me to break it off with her. She admits that it will hurt her terribly, yet she still wishes to hold on as long as she can.

The world is such a strange place. My girlfriend has been born with nearly the exact mindset that I require. Her body is lacking. The problem is that I cannot love anything less than utter perfection, and she is not. She is not like me, and therefore I cannot love her. I cannot love anything except myself, and she is not similar enough. Yet, she is similar in mind, which is the closest I have ever seen. It hurts so terribly to hurt someone who is similar to myself, at least in mindset. The world has gifted me with a girl that is not what I need, but is exactly what I want. The choice is so difficult.

One of our discussions on the topic led to an embarrassing admittance; I am gifted with the ability to recognize weakness and stupidity, but not with the ability to be strong or intelligent myself. My life is fraught with failures and weaknesses, and I have not at all lived up to my own expectations. This is especially clear lately, as I have noted.

I am renewing my efforts, but of course, I am behind. I have to work harder than ever. Even now, this is taking longer to write than it should. I am delayed by everything else, distracted by the pretty lights and the cheap thrills. The only place I have to go is up, but the ladder is hard to climb, and I have tired myself out with partying.

What to do except push harder?


Out of great silence.

So, I return.

It has been a month and a half since I originally began the vow of silence. In my second week of silence, I began to feel under the weather, particularly in the throat, which was extremely sore. I also began to notice lumps protruding on my neck, one on the left side and the other just below my right jaw. I visited a doctor, who guessed that I had a throat infection, but could not be sure what it was. I was prescribed antibiotics for the weekend, and told to come back. Over the weekend, my throat only grew worse. Unable to get anything done, I decided to break the silence.

I was eventually diagnosed with mono, which, being a viral infection, is naturally not affected by antibiotics, and explains my worsening over the weekend. I was prescribed steroids, and began to improve immediately. However, I was still far under the weather, so I continued to speak. The talking went on for two weeks, as a matter of convenience, to coincide with a variety of plans that were occurring at the time. Then I resumed the silence, two weeks late.

As I realized, I probably brought that sickness upon myself. During the weeks of my silence, I pushed myself hard in the gym, trying to extend my limits. As a result, my immune system was likely weakened, and so I became sick. But of course, that would mean that I had been carrying mono for quite some time. Looking back, I realized that this was probably true, I had been unnecessarily tired for quite some time, and had been used to taking naps in the afternoon to remedy this. Now that I am over it, however, I am much improved, and no longer need these rests.

Another matter is how I originally got it. Obvious choice would be one of the women that I got intimate with. There were four of them, and the timing of my fatigue means that it could have been any of them. This, I suppose, is what I get for my promiscuity.

In other news, I have also begun playing world of warcraft again, after my original break to begin writing my book. This, of course, was done during my week of sickness, when I needed something to do because I could not truly concentrate on work. I then joined an excellent guild, and have been making progress since.

Of course, this meant that my last two weeks were less productive than my first two. This was not due to rampant and unnecessary playing of the game, but rather due to raiding schedules. My new guild raids three times a week, from 10pm-2am, prime hours for writing. While this is obviously not all the week, it is enough to put a significant dent in my writing times. Still, I worked to the best of my ability, and got things done. Which brings me to the nature of my silence itself.

The silence was simultaneously the most difficult and easiest thing that I have ever done. Completely rejecting people was at the same time exhilarating and saddening. While there were many things I missed, there were others I did not. I would like to say that they balanced out, and silence was no better than non-silence, but that would be a lie. There is a certain type of existence that man leads, free from the will of the mob, which is greater and more glorious. Whatever it is, I valued it more than anything else that they could have given me, had I spoken.

One of my goals, the advancement of my writing, was a huge success. I put many hours into writing, and produced perhaps 150-200 pages of various works, over the course of a month. During the time, I discovered that one published author, who dedicates himself to longer novels, produces in a year what I would produce in six months by the same schedule. There was also the amount that I read; I completed two of Nietzsche's works in the same period.

This is on top of the amount of exercise I committed myself to. In the first half, this was two hours a day. In the second, when I was supposed to be careful in order to prevent rupturing my weakened spleen, this sank to one, but I am prepared to begin ramping this up again, slowly, and soon. On top of both of these things, of course, was the amount of things I accomplished in World of Warcraft, which were numerous.

In essence, the silence was extremely profitable. Even better than this, however, was the way that I felt. There was a certain feeling, a certain sense of self-assurance that I carried during the time that I was separated from others, that i admire. Better, my mind was focused and generally deeper, able to commit itself to stronger and more beautiful tasks. Silence is not simply a state of body, it is a state of mind.

Overall, I enjoyed the experience supremely. I would do it again, and I will. I will not tell anyone else, but I plan top do this again, and again. Perhaps a single month out of every year, this would be a good plan. I feel that it would greatly suffice.

There is only one other thing, however, that must be mentioned. This is that I was not truly separated from the people, as I tried to make myself. Everywhere I went, society still followed me. No matter what I did, the temptation to talk still presented itself to my face. Worst was the cafeteria, where I was forced to find a corner and avoid all friends and acquaintances without discretion. When I returned to my room, I was not alone, my friends were still there, hanging out, talking to me if even if I would not talk back. In short, I did not really accomplish my goal. I blame this for any failure in my silence, in the accomplishment of my goals. In order to do it again, I must seek to truly separate myself, to make myself independent and disconnected, in order to truly achieve my goals. In this college environment, I cannot.

Naturally, there are other things to be said. But for now, it has been too long. I must return to my life, I must go back to my world. I still have things to do, and I cannot be bothered to reflect more on my silence for now. And, of course, if anyone else was reading this, then they would not have ever made it this far, before getting bored. There are still things to achieve, there is still a world to conquer. I cannot ever stop.


The philosophy of silence.

Well, here it goes. In less than two hours, I will be officially on my vow of silence. I will not be writing in this blog, nor talking to anyone. I plan to get lots of shit done, over the next month, and can only think of how it will be for me. It feels strange, talking to people for the last time in quite some time. I've been distancing myself from my friends, much to some of their chagrin. One of my friends now has a passive aggressive hateful relationship with me, his jokes have turned insulting and he rarely speaks with me otherwise. However, the only people whose judgment I truly place stock in have all wished me luck, and I think that I am well prepared.

It will be a strange month, to say in the least. Man only reaches his heights when pushed into the darkest depths. Here I am, at the edge of the precipice, and I am looking back, and it is strange to do so. I see all the things that I am giving up, and I am so strangely ready to do it. I look back and realize that all the things I took for granted were not so important, not so useful. I've been holding myself back, all this time, and I never knew it.

Mankind is strange, in that it cannot do anything forever. We cannot eat the same foods for very long, nor do the same activities, without eventually growing bored of them. In this case, it is our goal to move on, to find something else to occupy our time so that when we come back, we will be ready to do the thing that we loved so much for a second time. I suppose that this is why, in the end, we need to die. If we didn't, then sooner or later we would grow bored of everything at once, and the need to cease to exist would grow until we were forced to end it on our own. But that is not the time that I have reached, not yet. I have grown bored with this world, the one currently live in. I have discovered its nuances, and the ways in which it reacts to my prodding and poking. It is time to move on. It is time to transcend reality.

So here I go.


The letter.

Here is the letter which I published yesterday on facebook. As of then, I have received numerous comments, ranging from awe and wonder to vehement denial that this is a good idea for me, both on facebook, and in real life.

For a very long time, I have been planning to take a month long vow of silence. I am somewhat glad to say that I will finally be putting my plan into action. On Monday, the thirteenth of April, I will be beginning the vow, thus ending on the thirteenth of May. While under the vow, I have decided on the following course of action.

-I will not be speaking for any social reason, however, I will allow myself to speak for academic purposes, participating in class, etc. This also allows me to speak for other small, necessary reasons, as long as they are not purely social.

-I will possibly be eating with others, but I will not speak, and I will not engage in any other social activity, such as events or other things after school.

-I will still be checking Facebook, so feel free to write something to me, if it's terribly necessary. I will respond to anything posed on Facebook, but probably in the most curt and basic possible way.

-My style of dress will become more simple, and my hygiene will probably become less tolerable all around. I do not wish to focus on the trappings of sociality when I am attempting to avoid sociality in all forms.

-My sleep might also drastically change. It is quite possible that I will adopt hours of sleep and wakefulness that make no sense. I will be attempting to sleep less, but this is not as important.

This will be very confusing to nearly everybody, I have only told two people about this idea, and it may seem very sudden. You might also be wondering why. I am doing this because I have to. There are parts of myself that become repressed when around other people, and for the time being I need to focus on these parts. There are also things about myself that I simply have to find out.

I hope that this will not be a problem to any of my friends. This decision has nothing to do with any hard feelings for any one of you, and I trust that when I return next month I will be able to turn right back to the friends I know and love.

Feel free to comment on this note or ask questions. I am telling you all one week beforehand so as to have time to adjust and understand.

Also, I only tagged people who will most directly be influenced by this, for the most part, but of course quite a few people should probably know. Do not be offended if you were not tagged.


The coming storm.

As it turns out, I have behaved admirably since my last blog. I have been writing well, I have kept to a workout schedule, I have remained positive, and I have continued to accomplish what I want in my life. New plans are blossoming, which will soon come to fruit.

The first is my adherence to my plan to take a month long vow of silence. I have planned to take it next Monday, a week from today, on the thirteenth. It will then end on the thirteenth of May. During this time, I have concluded, I will attempt to do nothing except that which furthers my plans. I will work out, eat, write, read, do my assigned schoolwork, and sleep. I will attempt to keep play to a minimum. I am not certain how much of this I can do, but without the influence of the outside world, it will be much easier. I am also allowing myself to speak for purely non-social purposes: participation in classes, basic, necessary communication, and the like. I will still permit myself to use Facebook and the like, but I will not actively work to be social on it.

I have to do this. I am uncertain of why I must do something so extreme, but all that I know is that I have to. Tomorrow, I will be creating a letter to the rest of the world, to be placed on Facebook, to alert them to my intentions. I must attempt to be basic, not flashy, not presumptuous. I will try to tell them what it is that I stand for, what I wish to accomplish. I will try to make them see what it is that I mean.

Recently, my girlfriend called me with a panicked tone. She wished to talk to me, right away. I told her to come down, and she relayed to me that a friend of hers had recently scared her, had revealed that she held depressive thoughts, and my girlfriend was afraid that she might consider killing herself. As she shook, I held her in my arms, and had her tell me about it.

There were many great moments in this conversation, because it was deep and meant, and that is where I excel. I put on a great show, but I consider myself far better when concerned with the real than with the fake. The first moment occurred when I attempted to bring myself into the conversation.

Leaning on each others noses, I told her what it was all about. I told her, that the reason I do everything, that the reason that I write, I live, I exist, is to prevent this. As I told it to her, I cried, because I could not do anything else. This was my statement of purpose, I made it clear to her. The only reason I lived, the only reason I existed, was because I wanted to help people. It was perhaps the strongest moment in my life. Crying as well, she looked up, and told me that I would achieve this, that I would do it. That was pure faith, stronger than any religion, stronger than anything on this earth. This is the stuff that moves planets.

Another moment occurred when I related a story of something that had happened earlier that day. My friends had wanted to play a game of Risk, which I had never played. They set up the board, and I studied the rules. At the end of the game, I won, controlling the entire world. However, I could only complete this victory because of a critical decision I had made, in the middle. I had made truces with many of my friends, around the table, especially one with the player who controlled America, and thus was my choice for strongest, in which I would leave him Asia if I pushed down from Europe, my continent, into Africa. At a critical point, one player controlled part of Africa, but was very weak and ready to be defeated. I had a truce with this player, but I broke it, and killed the player in that turn, taking all of Africa in the process. I honored the deal I had made with America, at the cost of the wrath of the other player. In the next turn, I took South America, and Australia. In the turn after that, I won.

I did what I had to do. I had no regrets, although the player I had betrayed was somewhat angered with me. In the end, because of that decision, I won. If I had not made the decision, I would likely have lost, and if I had made the decision but still lost, then I would have had regrets, and apologized. As it is, I did what I had to do.

I relayed this story to my girlfriend, and then told her, that this was me. In the end, I will always do, exactly what I have to do. I will reach my goals, that is all.

I will be the most famous man in the world.

Later today, I will post the letter, and next week I will say farewell. Then, I will be gone for an entire month.

The storm clouds gather, preparing to strike. The lightning is restless.


Unexpected progress.

I have been the glad bearer of unexpected progress in my life. In my last blog, I mentioned my uncertainty about the status of my girlfriend, and what type of person she was. I was finishing my finals, and I was about to have spring break. I planned to tell the girl my true feelings over this break, and intimate my idea of taking a vow of silence next quarter in order to make more progress in my self perfection.

I am pleased to say that the girl passed the test with flying colors. She is not a mover, but she is perhaps on her way. She understands me, and what I want, in the very least, and she is supportive. This was profound to me, more moving than it should have been. I could barely speak when I made this revelation to her, my heart pounding so much in my chest, and my words quavering when they left my mouth, and tears ready to form. When she told me that she understood, I was struck with a happiness so profound and strong that it should never have happened. Whatever else, I have certainly picked a good woman to serve as my girl.

Also, this break has proven to be especially fruitful in every other way. I got to see old friends, particularly my best friend and fellow mover, and I made great progress in everything. I caught up in television, reading, and other social things, and made it halfway through a re-reading of the berserk manga, which is an excellent work with a great influence on me. Also, I have dedicated much time to writing, and I have maintained a tough work out schedule. Essentially, everything is going right.

That only leaves the future, or the possible vow of silence. The vow, if I do take it, will not be easy. It will be terribly difficult on me, but I will do it because I have to. I need to do it, in order to help recreate the same environment there that I have here.

The problem is people. So many people go through their lives simply wasting time, simply waiting. When you step into a theater, or other crowded area, and you watch the people during a show, there is no emotion on their faces. They are not enjoying the show, they are waiting for a time when they will enjoy it. Thousands of faces, packed into a theater, waiting. It's a strange sight. But then, the same thing happens everyday, to so many people. People move through their lives, simply choosing to be happy, rather than being good. The movers, the people like me and the friends that I appreciate, these are the people that do not enjoy enjoyment for its sake, but rather enjoy the good for enjoyment's sake.

And when you put me in a group of people that are simply waiting, it's easy to join them. The power of the mob is not to be overlooked. All the friends, all the people that I know, all these people help slow me down, by making me enjoy life. But happiness is not everything. I don't need to be happy. Happy is not enough.

This is why I want to take the vow. By severing my connection with these people, communication, I can retain my identity and go back to doing what makes me fulfilled rather than happy. It will be hard, because I want to be like these people, and I enjoy being like them, even though I know that it is pitiful and weak.

Very shortly, I will be returning to school for the new semester. New classes, new people, and everything in between. More things to avoid when I take the vow. But I'm going to do it, because I have to, because there are better things in the world than what we already have.

However, there is another thing on my mind. When I look back at all the things that have happened, I am surprised by the progress I have already made, despite all my failures. I have failed to do many a thing, failed to uphold convictions, aced just as weak as others, and enjoyed it every bit as much, but despite all this, I am far better than many of the people that I know. It is strange, when I hear that ordinary people, people that I know and consider decent people, do such stupid things as drop out of college, as decide to flip burgers rather than continue their education. This scares me, but also reminds me of my superiority. I would enjoy this, except that it is undeserved praise.

I would enjoy my success if it was deserved. I am scared by the world out there, so weak and strange. I do not know how it functions.



Things have taken their natural course. The good friend who I became intimate with is now my girlfriend. How do I feel about it? Well, somewhat more sure than last time.

Since we have officially started this relationship, true to my word, I have been pushing things, testing her. I have been trying to find her limits. She is not the most attractive woman in the world, if she has an excellent personality. However, there are still limits to how awesome her personality truly is. When I imply that I like another girl that she knows more than her, she becomes somewhat angry and very jealous, and while this is the only limit I have found so far, I am certain that there are others.

Of course, there is much that is right with her as well. She and I enjoy similar sexual antics, and when we are in public we both enjoy playfully insulting each other. She is also somewhat open about the power in the relationship, she understands that there must be give and take, and allows me many liberties in exchange for the freedom I give her. All in all, there is one bottom line. She makes me extremely happy. That is the most important part.

But it's also a problem. I can't afford to be happy. I do not mean to claim to be a depressed man, or anyone else who has mysteriously reversed their ideas of pleasure and pain, but I simply do not perform well when happy. When I become happy, I assume everything is right with the world, and do not strive for higher things. When I am dissatisfied with my life, then I can make actions to improve myself. However, improvement is a constant thing, and therefore I can hardly afford to allow myself to have any free time in there, much like what I am doing now.

I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, I am happy, but on the other I am doing what is best for myself in the long run. And to add more weight to the decision, choosing the long run may alienate this girl, preventing her from wanting to return to me later on when I may truly want her.

One of the big problems is something that I have been planning for some time now, that is, to take a month long vow of silence in the next quarter, so as to have time for introspection and much more work on self-improvement. This would be a great wedge in the relationship, no matter how I look at it. Even if we agreed to postpone our relationship for a month, there is no guarantee that I would return as the same person that she likes.

As I consider this, the winter quarter here is coming to a close. As I look back, I didn't get much done this quarter. I didn't produce anything, didn't make anything worth any value. Even now, when I am busy with finals and final papers, there is so much more time I could be using for writing, that I am wasting on video games and excessive napping.

Whatever I choose, it is going to go down very soon, after my spring break. It is then that I will have to decide how to proceed, and will have to find out how reality reacts to my decisions. It will be tough.



The world moves faster and faster.

One of the new friends that I have recently made has become very close to me. This weekend, the two of us became very intimate one night. I greatly enjoyed it. The only real question is, how do I feel about it? I'm not sure.

When I think about it, she is an attractive girl. A bit ordinary in her beauty, but with an excellent personality and attractive nonetheless. By all accounts, I should be fully enjoying this. The only damper to that would probably be the girl that I fell in love with first, who is not in my life at all right now. The thing is that the first is rarely in my life anymore, and it is hard to love someone who is not in your life, and that even then, I am a being perfectly capable of understanding that I can love multiple people at once, there is no barrier. I would be perfectly capable of loving both of these women at once. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I love either.

Sex is a wondrous thing. It brings pleasure, and it unites people. It is perhaps the most profound physical action that we have. Yet, for all that it is, physical action is not tantamount, is not important, so by a strange extension, neither really is sex. I believe that I'm coming to realize that sex means very little to me.

I think I am an asexual being. I am not sure how I have come to this, but it is the only thing that seems right. Sex has never meant much to me, and now that I grow ever closer to it, I don't think it will when I get it. I think that there are many more things out there in the world than simply sex, and I have very little time for the little things of the world. Where then, does that leave me in my new relationship?

Physical intimacy is nothing to me. I've had it with many people. Mental intimacy, on the other hand, is much harder for me to ever give up. I've done it with a total of three people in my life. One was much like me, but did not seem to realize it. Another was much like me, and has become my best friend. The third was not like me at all, and when I betrayed myself to her she did not understand what it was, and to this day I believe that she is frightened of me. I do not have a very good track record. Usually when I do these kinds of things, I end up hurt. But I think that I will do it again.

I think that I will try to go further, I will try to push this further, I will try to push my limits. I will let this girl see me for who I am, and if it tears us apart then so be it. Maybe I have something, but it certainly isn't simply sex. We shall see.



I have reached an interesting point in my life.

When you go to a theater, or a crowded area, or some sort of show, you should take a look around you while the performance is going on. Every person in the audience has the same look, a blank stare, as if they are waiting for something, passing their time. I despise this look. This look contains no intellect, no idea. This look is the look of the herd, of the sheep, of the cows led to the slaughter. This is the look of abject and pure selflessness, to be totally absorbed in another. This should not exist.

But worse is when this look does not simply stay in the theater. Worse are the people who look like this and act like this all the time. They wander aimlessly, waiting to be led. It is subtle, and harder to notice, but the same look can be seen. These people have no concept of self, no will to be. Naturally then, I do not like to interact with these people. It is like the way noblemen would not look upon their servants and peasants. In some ways, they were justified, because no peasant picked up a knife and stabbed his nobleman for not looking at him. The peasant made no effort to change things. He may have claimed to reject it, but he enjoyed being exploited and led.

You can imagine my disappointment to discover this look in several of my friends. I knew it already, although I could not put my finger on it. Of my seven friends, only roughly three ever propose things for us to do. The rest simply follow aimlessly, not bothering to think for themselves. I do not like this. But I am glad, because something special has happened.

I have made another set of friends. This is not a set of friends to be led, but a set to lead. These friends are active, rather than passive, and they are the kind of people I enjoy being around. In the short time that I have been friends with these people, I have opened up more to them than to the rest of my friends combined. This is a wonderful development. My life is taking turns upwards.

Other than this, my life has been much the same as it always has. I have endured the usual amount of stupidity and arrogance, and everything in between. The only thing that is missing is the girl that I am enamored of. Because of my close relation to my new friends, I have had little time to think of her, and that does not really please me. I must make some effort to reconnect with her, sometime soon. Until then, I am not able to achieve the things I want to achieve.

Until then, I have reached an impasse.



My work has slowed down, I cannot write. I am not sure why, but I am taking a break regardless. The ideas still flow, somewhat, but they do not connect. I can't work like this, so I am playing like this. School has gotten a bit tougher for the moment as well. Recently my work load has been much higher, and with keeping fit, reading, and typing papers, mandatory things with my friends, and the like, I have had little time.

One thing that has annoyed me recently is my philosophy class. While anyone who has read any of this before will know that I have a dislike for my philosophy teacher, I really cannot stress enough that she is rather unintelligent, and terrible at teaching. She praises idiocy and intelligence alike, because she cannot tell the difference, and her style of teaching is generally more harmful to learning than it is helpful.

One problem that she has brought up often, is that of the experience machine. The experience machine is a hypothetical version of our favorite sci-fi movie, The Matrix, in which we are allowed to enter a virtual reality of our choosing. We are supposed to determine whether or not we would go in, and if we do, what we would make our new reality like, if we are free to do anything.

Now, of course this is an interesting idea. However, the responses I have heard are hideous. People have said that they will not go in for the most part, although everyone has their own reasons, and they have demonstrated varying degrees of intelligence. However, my problem is in the hypothetical situation in which you do go in, in which you are supposed to choose how you would change your world.

Before I criticize, let me put forth my views. Firstly, it does not matter whether or not I go into the experience machine or not. I have talked about this in a previous blog, but the reasoning for this is that humanity exists in the brain somewhat A priori, that is, that each person exists in their own mind, and changing their circumstances will hardly change their life. To put yourself into a machine that only changes circumstances, then, is useless. Whether or not I go into the machine, my level of happiness will remain somewhat unchanged, when I adapt to my new conditions. If I was unhappy as a poor man, and went in and became a rich man, I would find that I would be no more happy than before. The want of money I had as a poor man could not be satisfied by money, it was a character defect that meant that I was incomplete, and would thus be happy regardless of whether I had the money or not, and I only blamed it on the money because I would be afraid to change.

When asked about what I would change if I was going in, I said "nothing." Nothing I can change by instantly remaking the world would be a change for the better. Therefore, this life is somewhat perfect. Why would I want to change? I was shocked by the response that my philosophy teacher gave. "That's so deep!" Deep? Deep means not that something is intelligent, but that you don't understand it, and therefore you are not. There is nothing deep about thinking that this is a wonderful world, and not wanting to leave it, it's as simple as the sun rising. I wanted to choke.

Worse is what some of the "brightest" philosophers in the class, the ones who are majoring in philosophy, have said. There are only a few of them, and they go on and on about how smart that they think themselves to be. However, when asked what one would change if he went in, he simply said a lot of money. What? Even the most base of true philosophers can see that money means nothing for happiness. The responses from the others were equally sickening. A man who cannot read is no different from the man who reads and does not understand.

Another problem in my current life, is that I have become somewhat displeased with my current friends. I wish them no disrespect, but I am different from them, and in many obvious ways. In order to better myself, I must find a way to cast them off, at least partially. I do not wish them harm, I simply wish to improve my life, and I cannot do that with them. They are a simply ordinary group.

Then again, I am hardly extraordinary at the moment. I have no contacts, no way to impress the woman I love, and nothing to my name.

I need to get over this slump, and soon.


I shed this pitiful shell.

Over the past few weeks, I have made marvelous strides in my work. Much less of my time do I spend wasted, and much more of it do I spend working. Sometimes, this is on my novels. Other times, this is on my school work and the like. I do not regret it, there is only one thing I miss.

I have fallen in love, and it is painful, because she is the kind of girl who is not easily caught. She is like a firefly in the night, only beautiful because she is so difficult to catch. And you know, that if you were to put this firefly in a jar, it would die out and its light would vanish. But so beautiful she is! I lay awake at night thinking about her, and it is becoming a problem.

But right now, there is only my work, and that is a problem as well. Perhaps this will be resolved, sooner or later, perhaps I will work up the courage to tell her how I feel, but I do not think it will come soon. Until then, I must keep writing.

I dedicate it all to her. I dedicate all I do to the best in people, the beauty and the power. Hopefully, when judgment day comes, that will be enough. Until then, I must work. I don't even have time to write more here. So I must go.

Goodbye, all.



Well, I have little to say, other than that I am making progress. It's been some time since my last blog, mostly because things are simply falling into order, and the routine of it all produces few extraordinary things to mention.

Progress on my novel has been swift. I am burning through pages very quickly now, and expect to be done before the end of the year. Of course, then there is endless proofreading and revising to be done, but the fact that I'll actually have something to say for myself is exciting.

My classes have been the same level of boring that they have been before. For the most part, I sit in them, and laugh to myself at how stupid everyone sounds. Of course, I've written a blog about what I think about it, but it boils down to this, always. When there are things to be interpreted, such as novels and philosophy and acting manuals and the like, teachers seem to think that reading between the lines is the primary demonstration that you know something. In fact, there are generally not lines to read between, authors are only human, and only mean the things that they distinctly say, without bothering with the time to go so far as to produce eighty billion extended metaphors. Yet, in every class, the possibility of these metaphors is so often produced, that it scares me. To this day, in my philosophy class, we have not actually discussed much of anything that is in our texts, only what we think of it. That is a learning failure, right there. We're supposed to be learning truths, not others opinions.

My current group of friends has become more bearable. At first, I saw them as simply ordinary guys and girls, too ordinary to even like. The fact is, that while they are still ordinary, they are beginning to take more chances, do newer things. They are acclimating to the climate I've provided. I enjoy it. Also, I've become more social, as I've talked more and spent more time going to social gatherings. The apple of my eye is still far out of reach, but I'll have her one day. She is too beautiful not to.

Which leaves the state of myself. I've been remarkably confident, and am becoming more so by the second. This changes my nature, slightly, as I am being more agressive in my actions and dealings with other people. Sometimes I regret that. Other times, well, most times, I enjoy it. That's what being confident is all about. Also, I am enjoying a higher level of physical fitness than before. I am eating more, sleeping more, exercising more. I am spending more time thinking, and less time is wasted. I am learning Tai Chi, how to play the guitar, how to be a liked person, how to enjoy myself in ways that aren't wasted time, and the like.

All in all, I'm making progress. And that means, that one day, I'll be perfect.

And that means, that one day, I'll rule.

How glorious it all is!


The new year.

I am rather aggravated with the strange (un)fascination that people take with the whole new years thing. Indeed, it has been ten days since the event, but it still sits in the back of my head, annoying me. So of course, I let it out in the only place I can, here.

New Years is not a big deal. In fact, it isn't a deal at all. There is nothing to celebrate, nothing to enjoy. There is no reason to hold parties, no reason to get together, no reason to drop a big glowing ball in New York, or any of the other stupid things that we do. What is there to celebrate? The fact that time goes on? Then why not just celebrate it EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR?

The fact that you have added another year on to your life is celebrated on your birthday. The fact that we've added another year onto the calendar should deserve no birthday. The calendar, on top of being poorly made, is an inanimate object. It doesn't care when we celebrate, so why should we?

Worse is the fact that we seem to realize all this and yet still go through the motions. Of the people I have asked, most a couple weeks ago during the actual event, none actually saw any reason to be partying. Yet we did anyway. When it came around midnight time, after spending the evening doing nothing involved in the new year, we turned the television on for five minutes. We watched the ball drop, downed drinks, and then went back to normal. Our cheer was weak and ineffectual. We didn't actually care that a new year had begun.

And then, there's the business of new years resolutions. False. No one has ever followed one of those things. People don't ever follow resolutions in the first place. Nothing was ever changed in human beings in a moment of fervor. No one has ever said "I'm going to make a difference in my life, right now, and lived up to it." Human beings are incapable of changing themselves instantaneously. People are only changed by saying that they are going to change themselves over a long period of time, as they actually grow into their new ideals and forms. People change over time. The idea of making a resolution simply because it's the new year, is just as flawed. No one has ever followed these, generally not more than a day. Why bother?

There is only one new years resolution that I will ever appreciate, and it is the one I make this year and every year, and every moment of my life. I resolve to be resolute.


Back from break.

Well, it's been about a month. Not surprisingly, that month has coincided with the month that I have for Christmas break. In that month, I can assure you, nothing has changed.

I adapted with surprising rapidity to my home life. I created a new schedule that served me well. I would wake up around noon, exercise for two or three hours, play video games, eat dinner with the family, and then leave to do things with friends. Some nights, I did not do things with friends, in which case I simply played more video games, watched movies, or found other ways to occupy myself. This is a rather ordinary schedule, not the kind to be expected of me. I never like to be ordinary, but in this case it turned out the most extraordinary results.

Firstly, I was essentially an isolated person for this entire time. I had much more time to myself, much more than college ever had to offer. I had time to be alone, time to think, time to do things I wanted to do. The results? Excellent.

I had been weakening, towards the end of the last quarter. I had been questioning myself, making more cowardly decisions, and had been slacking on writing my books. I was wasting much of my time. Now, that does not happen. Over the break, I wrote another twenty five pages on my novel over the course of about three days. I received a guitar for Christmas, which I am using with great joy, and am improving my musical skills over, daily. I am now able to go back to college, with a sense of individuality and well being. My confidence has risen, and I am working at a much greater capacity than I have been in quite some time.

It seems that this break has served its purpose spectacularly.

Of course, now I have to come back to some of the same problems that I left behind. The first is my new course load. I have another philosophy class with the same teacher, the one that I despised so much last quarter. I have a calculus class at 8:30 in the morning, far earlier than I have been waking up in a very long time. I have an English class, but I applied for two. All the same annoyances, all the same problems. But of course, this will be a chance for growth. Waking up early means that I have more time to do things, dealing with idiot teachers still gives me a chance to improve my intelligence, and English is never as important as actually getting my writing done. Which I am doing, so there isn't much of a problem there.

I may have more news in the future, about certain things I plan to do relatively soon. But I can't tell you until they actually happen, or else I look like an idiot. So I'll leave you on that note, expect more.

Happy new years, everyone!