I recently finished my first quarter of my second year of college. It feels strange, as life always does. More and more, time passes, and I wonder whether it really happened at all. Time passes, faster and faster, and I feel like I can no longer hold onto it. I can no longer be spontaneous, do what I want, go out and break the world. I ceased to be superman in the process of becoming stronger, but I miss the days of flying and the feeling of importance.
This quarter was spent in a bustle of studying, working, writing, reading, and just general time-wasting. There is hardly ever a moment when I'm not busy, and even fewer that I can remember as special or interesting. Time passes, faster and faster.
On the plus side, I'm writing. I'm writing well, and I'm writing a lot. It has ceased to be a chore, and becomes something more like a chore every day. I do it for fun, and this I enjoy. Stories are actually capable of finishing themselves, and my mind actually moves in time with the things that I write. As such, I can make real progress.
I also enjoyed my classes this quarter. I picked up French for the first time in three years, and since it's the first time since I discovered my love of learning, it was the first time that I realized that I enjoy it. I enjoy speaking in other languages, I enjoy seeing the connections and differences between my language and another. I may try to learn other languages in the future.
My philosophy teacher this quarter was also the first one I have enjoyed. I may have spoken of him earlier, I do not remember. Regardless, he is the most knowledgeable person I have ever heard to speak on the topic. He speaks clearly and concisely, and he teaches well. I learned more in two weeks of his class than with two semesters of class with my previous teacher, whom you may know that I hated.
This was a breath of fresh air. It is the most comforting thing in the world to know that you are not alone, that there are others like you. I am disgusted constantly, by every person that I run into, who seems to think that they are smart, yet cannot deliver a single intelligent thought. I am even more disgusted by the people who tell me that this material is "difficult", or that they do not wish to try hard at it. I am disgusted by weakness, and I try so very hard not to let it show.
I've also had a much heavier workload this quarter, what with relearning French and everything else. This is what has contributed, in part, to the sudden flight of time. Being occupied, every instant of every day. I spent hours every day in the library, and while I do not regret it, there is something that I am missing. What it is, yet, I cannot say. This is modern alienation; I hurt, though I do not know why.
There is also the issue of my recent trouble with my girlfriend. I feel like she is one of the things that is, well, not holding me back, but contributing to this life-rut that I have become stuck in. I have become less attracted to her, and I begin to feel as if I know all that there is to her. While this is grossly untrue, I know, it is a symptom of a deeper problem.
Worse, my lack of surety about the exact nature of my sexuality has also widened the chasm. She wishes to continue having sex, though I am not so sure that I wish to. We do it less, for certain, and I am less attracted to the concept, but I begin to wonder whether I want to do it at all. Once again, I feel as if I have done all there is to do, and that it is time to move on.
I am currently in the process of writing my final papers, next week being finals week and the last week before a month long break. Hopefully, I'll have time to work on writing more during this break. There is also more news to be shared, yet it is something of which I am uncomfortable speaking at the moment, and the time is late. Goodnight.