Censorship.

I have recently decided to make this blog semi-public; to put it on my facebook and twitter so that others may have some insight into my ideas. The most important of these was my girlfriend, who has been somewhat mature about the things that she has read in it. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that other people may not have been so mature about it.

Now, I am in no position to make judgments. I have very little understanding of what happened, and even if it did happen. However, as I understand it, several of my friends have been gossiping about my blog, especially as it pertains to them, and there was something of an argument. I was not there, I only have the vaguest second-hand account. However, whether or not it did occur in the manner that I think it did, it still raises questions in my mind.

This blog may be misinterpreted, misunderstood. That's a problem. I don't make this blog to be misunderstood. I make it for the exact opposite, to clarify and understand and in turn be understood. Not what is happening if the above occurrence is true. People are confusing my words, taking only the wrong meanings from them, doing the wrong things with them, and that is a problem.

Of course, there are only two courses of action to take. I can either do nothing about it, and continue to be misunderstood, or I can censor myself and cease to be misunderstood, but also cease to produce true and quality thought in this blog. But given these two options, I will always choose the first.

The world does not need another liar. The world does not need another cheat. There are plenty of those in excess already. What the world needs is men and women of truth, men and women of unashamed superiority, men and women of progress and potency. We live in a world that worships both the best and the worst of the human kind, and I refuse to be the worst. I will not waste my time on misdirection, I will not spend my time with delusion or falsehood. In order to be the best that I can, I cannot be anything less.

For this reason, I will not tone myself down. If this blog costs me my job, my friends, and everything else, at least I can say that I have truly tried. Perhaps there are those who would think differently, I am not one of them. I refuse to allow myself to be censored. I refuse to be censored by my own foolish wants and short-term longings. I cannot keep anything but the future in mind, and those with a true brain on their shoulders will commend me, not vilify me, and they are the only kind of people who I wish to satisfy.

On another note, the issue of the internet and its place in my goal has also become a major topic of thought. I have to admit that it is useful, necessary, for social networking and the benefits that it entails. However, I also must admit that I cannot become overly concerned with it. There are those who do, those who spend their lives centered around the worship of others through the internet, they will have no time for themselves. I understand that I am not achieving the best possible amount of sociality through my minor use of social networking services. I think more of myself than others, and it shows. I am not as social in real life as I could be, simply because I am not as social on the internet as I could be.

But then again, I am the most selfish bastard on the earth. I have no right to pretend otherwise. I feel that perhaps this fits me, this combination of renown and anonymity. I feel that I have struck a zen balance, at least for myself, and that is beneficial.

But I have no more time to muse on this. I must go back to my writing.

Finger on the trigger.

I've been rather slow in getting to my goals this summer. This, of course, is nothing new. However, at the same time it is something that I've thought about in great detail.

My mind is like a machine. It always works, but exactly when I don't want it to. When I read a book, it analyzes, compares, examines. Within minutes, I can barely pay attention to the text in front of me. Within a few more, I'm considering how I can do it better. When I try to sleep, my mind brews. It doesn't rest, simply keeps mulling over everything that it has experienced that day. I cannot fall asleep for hours.

Yet, at the same time, my mind never works when I want it to. When I sit down at a computer to write, I can barely go five minutes without feeling creatively drained. When I try to remember the things that I thought over the night before, there is nothing but a massive blank.

I feel like a man poised with his finger on the trigger of a gun. I hold great power in my hands, great potential. I know what has to be done. I have prepared myself, my target is in sight. Yet, for some reason, I can never pull the trigger.

I feel like a man among ants, afraid to make a move for fear of crushing them. I know that they are nothing before me. Yet, I cannot make the move.

There is something inside me that holds me back. There is something about the world that I don't properly understand, so I cannot yet move on. My intellect is staggering, my mind powerful. Yet, my life has been characterized by an inability to complete things. My mind can hardly begin one thing before it moves on to another. Perhaps there is some defect in it, some flaw, some condition, but I doubt it. What stands is a confusing lack of ability to follow through despite every wish to the contrary.

People are not recognized in the world based purely on their existence. In order to be recognized, there must also exist some sort of physical manifestation of their existence, some action or creation. I am not smart unless I go out into the world and act with intelligence and wit. I am not a good artist unless I produce good paintings. I am not a good musician unless I produce good music. I feel like a king without a kingdom, an artist without his paintings, a musician without any music.

The tools are in front of me, the materials ready. Why can I not follow through?

In other news, I am at least being somewhat productive with my summer. I have secured a second job, where I work roughly four hours a day, in the mornings. It is far from ideal. Yet, at the same time, it is far more than I have done up until now. I have a steady income, an easy job, and the efficiency not to waste this money. My bank account grows. I am ever closer to my goals.

At the same time, the issue of my girlfriend is unresolved. She grows more beautiful in my eyes, every day. But at the same time, she is not the height of beauty, and I know this. If I wish for a perfect girl, she must be beautiful as well as intelligent. As of now, I only have one of the two. My mind wishes to convince me otherwise, and paints her more stunning every day. As such, I am loathe to let her go.

I am also unsure of how this will affect our relationship. I hold the greatest respect for her, but we cannot continue this. After the eventual break, there will also be the matter of how we continue to relate. She is a good friend, and one that I wish to keep. Will our split change that? I still wish to hang out, still want to see her and her friends often. What will happen?

Here I am. I am here.