3.28.2009

Unexpected progress.

I have been the glad bearer of unexpected progress in my life. In my last blog, I mentioned my uncertainty about the status of my girlfriend, and what type of person she was. I was finishing my finals, and I was about to have spring break. I planned to tell the girl my true feelings over this break, and intimate my idea of taking a vow of silence next quarter in order to make more progress in my self perfection.

I am pleased to say that the girl passed the test with flying colors. She is not a mover, but she is perhaps on her way. She understands me, and what I want, in the very least, and she is supportive. This was profound to me, more moving than it should have been. I could barely speak when I made this revelation to her, my heart pounding so much in my chest, and my words quavering when they left my mouth, and tears ready to form. When she told me that she understood, I was struck with a happiness so profound and strong that it should never have happened. Whatever else, I have certainly picked a good woman to serve as my girl.

Also, this break has proven to be especially fruitful in every other way. I got to see old friends, particularly my best friend and fellow mover, and I made great progress in everything. I caught up in television, reading, and other social things, and made it halfway through a re-reading of the berserk manga, which is an excellent work with a great influence on me. Also, I have dedicated much time to writing, and I have maintained a tough work out schedule. Essentially, everything is going right.

That only leaves the future, or the possible vow of silence. The vow, if I do take it, will not be easy. It will be terribly difficult on me, but I will do it because I have to. I need to do it, in order to help recreate the same environment there that I have here.

The problem is people. So many people go through their lives simply wasting time, simply waiting. When you step into a theater, or other crowded area, and you watch the people during a show, there is no emotion on their faces. They are not enjoying the show, they are waiting for a time when they will enjoy it. Thousands of faces, packed into a theater, waiting. It's a strange sight. But then, the same thing happens everyday, to so many people. People move through their lives, simply choosing to be happy, rather than being good. The movers, the people like me and the friends that I appreciate, these are the people that do not enjoy enjoyment for its sake, but rather enjoy the good for enjoyment's sake.

And when you put me in a group of people that are simply waiting, it's easy to join them. The power of the mob is not to be overlooked. All the friends, all the people that I know, all these people help slow me down, by making me enjoy life. But happiness is not everything. I don't need to be happy. Happy is not enough.

This is why I want to take the vow. By severing my connection with these people, communication, I can retain my identity and go back to doing what makes me fulfilled rather than happy. It will be hard, because I want to be like these people, and I enjoy being like them, even though I know that it is pitiful and weak.

Very shortly, I will be returning to school for the new semester. New classes, new people, and everything in between. More things to avoid when I take the vow. But I'm going to do it, because I have to, because there are better things in the world than what we already have.

However, there is another thing on my mind. When I look back at all the things that have happened, I am surprised by the progress I have already made, despite all my failures. I have failed to do many a thing, failed to uphold convictions, aced just as weak as others, and enjoyed it every bit as much, but despite all this, I am far better than many of the people that I know. It is strange, when I hear that ordinary people, people that I know and consider decent people, do such stupid things as drop out of college, as decide to flip burgers rather than continue their education. This scares me, but also reminds me of my superiority. I would enjoy this, except that it is undeserved praise.

I would enjoy my success if it was deserved. I am scared by the world out there, so weak and strange. I do not know how it functions.

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