Finger on the trigger.

I've been rather slow in getting to my goals this summer. This, of course, is nothing new. However, at the same time it is something that I've thought about in great detail.

My mind is like a machine. It always works, but exactly when I don't want it to. When I read a book, it analyzes, compares, examines. Within minutes, I can barely pay attention to the text in front of me. Within a few more, I'm considering how I can do it better. When I try to sleep, my mind brews. It doesn't rest, simply keeps mulling over everything that it has experienced that day. I cannot fall asleep for hours.

Yet, at the same time, my mind never works when I want it to. When I sit down at a computer to write, I can barely go five minutes without feeling creatively drained. When I try to remember the things that I thought over the night before, there is nothing but a massive blank.

I feel like a man poised with his finger on the trigger of a gun. I hold great power in my hands, great potential. I know what has to be done. I have prepared myself, my target is in sight. Yet, for some reason, I can never pull the trigger.

I feel like a man among ants, afraid to make a move for fear of crushing them. I know that they are nothing before me. Yet, I cannot make the move.

There is something inside me that holds me back. There is something about the world that I don't properly understand, so I cannot yet move on. My intellect is staggering, my mind powerful. Yet, my life has been characterized by an inability to complete things. My mind can hardly begin one thing before it moves on to another. Perhaps there is some defect in it, some flaw, some condition, but I doubt it. What stands is a confusing lack of ability to follow through despite every wish to the contrary.

People are not recognized in the world based purely on their existence. In order to be recognized, there must also exist some sort of physical manifestation of their existence, some action or creation. I am not smart unless I go out into the world and act with intelligence and wit. I am not a good artist unless I produce good paintings. I am not a good musician unless I produce good music. I feel like a king without a kingdom, an artist without his paintings, a musician without any music.

The tools are in front of me, the materials ready. Why can I not follow through?

In other news, I am at least being somewhat productive with my summer. I have secured a second job, where I work roughly four hours a day, in the mornings. It is far from ideal. Yet, at the same time, it is far more than I have done up until now. I have a steady income, an easy job, and the efficiency not to waste this money. My bank account grows. I am ever closer to my goals.

At the same time, the issue of my girlfriend is unresolved. She grows more beautiful in my eyes, every day. But at the same time, she is not the height of beauty, and I know this. If I wish for a perfect girl, she must be beautiful as well as intelligent. As of now, I only have one of the two. My mind wishes to convince me otherwise, and paints her more stunning every day. As such, I am loathe to let her go.

I am also unsure of how this will affect our relationship. I hold the greatest respect for her, but we cannot continue this. After the eventual break, there will also be the matter of how we continue to relate. She is a good friend, and one that I wish to keep. Will our split change that? I still wish to hang out, still want to see her and her friends often. What will happen?

Here I am. I am here.