11.13.2009

Pan-sexuality.

Over the course of this school year, my sex drive has been slowly falling.

I can attribute this to numerous things. Firstly, I was deprived of pornography for perhaps a month as a result of the loss of my laptop. Secondly, while it pains me to admit, I am becoming tired of my girlfriend, at least in a sexual manner.

It becomes harder and harder to sexually satisfy myself. The time I must spend in bed grows longer, and my masturbatory fantasies become increasingly more absurd, exaggerated and gross. The issue is that my taste has refined itself to a point beyond reality, into the realm of the ideal, where it should not possibly go.

Sexuality is becoming a strange thing for me. For the life of myself, I cannot decide whether I am a non-sexual, or pan-sexual man. For most of my life, I have labored under the impression that beauty, in all its forms, is to be revered. I have found beauty in the forms of both women and men, and in the manner in which their minds produce a personality that also factors in. I have had no prejudice. Yet, the conclusion that follows, is that everything is beautiful, and if everything is beautiful, then nothing is.

I once looked upon the world and decided that I would like to have sex with a lot of women. I was not satisfied by the concept of being tied to any one, and acted accordingly. Then, I realized that I would like to have sex with men as well. I adjusted my views. Then, I realized that many women and men are repulsed by this idea, for sex is an important act, and for them it is cheapened by sharing it with too many. As such, I found a girlfriend to share myself with, and was thus taught my first actual and practical lessons in sex, rather than random play. But then, I began to realize that my mind had moved even further. I would not like to have sex with the world, but rather I would like to be intimate with it, an action far more meaningful, intelligent, and fun, than sex. In essence, when I now see a beautiful woman walking down the street, I would rather be close friends with her, and be physically intimate, than to actually have sex.

This arises, in part, from the sort of pan-sexuality that I have in my mind. There is an ideal beauty out there, in the intellect, but not existing in the world. This is what I am attracted to, and can never have. There is an ideal of a beautiful woman, with which I would have sex, and an ideal of a beautiful man, with which I would have sex as well. But you can't put your dick in an ideal. As such, I am required to settle for the things that are actually of this world, things that are imitations of the ideal above. Some women are more like this ideal than others, these are considered beautiful. Some are about as far from it as can be, and these are considered ugly.

But for this reason, I feel as if perhaps it is no longer time to simply settle for less. Maybe sex, as the way I envision it, was not meant for this world. Perhaps, after I die, I will go to a land of ideas, and there I will be pleased. But on this earth, there is little that can do such for me. I am beginning to wonder whether the compromise is necessary, and for this reason, I cannot decide which form of sexuality I truly endorse, pan- or non-.

Certainly, this is a choice, a choice very typical of my philosophy. There are two realities, that of the ideal, and that of the real. I believe that reality is that which should truly be pursued, for the ideal has no place in relation to others, where the nature of ethics and sex lie. Yet, at the same time, in this one thing, I prefer the ideal. I prefer it, though I feel that I should not, though every philosophical belief I hold is one of utility and reality.

I am very uncertain.

11 comments:

Kalamazoo Students said...

hahaha 20 and can't get it up? You're a fucking loser dude, get a life and stop treating your girlfriend like shit, do you know how fucking abusive the shit you say on here is? she could probably sue you for harassment you turgid prick, and I hope she does so you learn some fucking respect and see the world outside of your own imagination. You are merely a sheep in the herd, and if you stand up to them, they will trample you. Face it. You're fucking worthless. You don't fucking matter, and no one gives a fuck about you.
P.S. This blog has made you somewhat of a celebrity on K's campus, a nice facebook group made everyone aware of how fucking crazy you are. have a nice day.

k09xx03 said...

dude i wanna join the group. public link?

Adam said...

Unfortunately for you, your very argument has ceded me victory.
I was also very surprised by the fact that the opinions of entire student body could manage to converge on a single arrogant asshole.
Next time, I'll turn on Google adds to make the best of your patronage.

Kalamazoo Student said...

You will never be world dictator if you're viewed as a joke. I'm a kalamazoo student and I've got to agree with the first comment, you're a delusional asshole.

K08XX02 said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bill Gallagher said...

lol disregard that i suck cocks

also Adam you're also somewhat of a celebrity in our suite, because you live in our suite, and I often see you there. It's like you're famous, or something, because whenever you come in the door, I get really excited that someone is entering our room. So it's kind of like you're on the red carpet. But for world dictators, you know? carpet stained red with the blood of the innocent, or something.

Adam said...

Oh my god, I'd never realized I was a delusional asshole. I thought that all those times that I'd gone around posting angry comments on people's personal blogs was just good fun.

Also, for those commenting on this blog with your initials removed from your K email, the act hardly displays your balls well. If you have the guts to insult someone without the anonymity of the internet, that is.

decidedly bi guy said...

Hmmmmmmmmm where to begin? First, I enjoy your blog--well written. Further, I think you are particularly courageous in sharing your feelings in such a public manner. Second, I enjoy your face (and shoulders)--particularly delish. Finally, as a result of your having a particularly delish face (and shoulders), I have a crush on you. You can be my dictator anytime. bye!

Anonymous said...

I just want to fuck you Adam... I just want to sit in silence, your sexy, sexy silence... I want you to worry about death with me, to write poetry with me, to conquer the world with me... No one has ever felt the same was as I, and alas, you do! Oh happy day!

Very gay guy said...

I also think you sound like a hunk... please come by my place later...

Bill Gallagher said...

I'd like to dick your tater


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