Life has fallen into a normal sort of cycle over the past month, making it difficult for me to get much done in the way of writing. Most of this has to do with my classes this semester. I've selected two very reading intensive classes, as well as two excess classes, resulting in Mondays and Wednesdays that are absolutely packed. Between doing my homework, attending my classes, and getting to the gym regularly, I've had little time in which I actually feel inclined to write. Much of my time is now spent relaxing, simply because of the way my classes are ordered.
In good news, I've finally set upon the proper way to tell a story that I've been working on for a long time. It's turned into a sort of fantasy for children, though I cannot write any simpler than usual, so I suppose they must be very well-read children. While I haven't managed to get much writing into it, the idea has formed itself properly, and I've begun the novel in such a way that I will remember how to continue it. I'll probably put it out of my mind soon, and return to my first novel, but we shall see how it turns out.
I've also been lacking in the poetry department. There are a few new things I've wanted to try, particularly since my mind was opened to poetry last semester, that I haven't gotten around to. Now and then, I'll put out a poem or two, but for the most part things go much slower than they should.
In my personal life, everything has been good. The only conflict that I find myself in is against myself. I've been cruel lately, mean and unkind. Now, that is not to say that there is anything wrong with this. Hate is a natural emotion, an indicator that something is undesirable to the mind, and thus should be avoided or fought. The problem with hate arises only when a man uses it indiscriminately, when he does not sharpen his emotions to understand what is truly deserving of scorn, and what is simply foolish prejudice.
What I've come to realize is that I've been more hateful and critical than is necessary lately. In the process of seeking the best in man, I have not ruled out hatred entirely, as some men do. I understand that there are men truly deserving of hate, and that to treat them with love is a mockery of the emotion. But I also understand that these men are few and far between, and that neither hatred nor its corollary, love, are to be given freely. A man must first properly understand his subject, in all its manners, before he can pass such a judgment. But again, my judgments have been hasty recently, and this is part of the problem.
In my quest for the best in man, I've tried to maintain a proper balance, and tried to understand when to pass judgment, and when not to, and of course I've made mistakes. But in the end, I wish only for justice and good. These two arise only when the proper emotion is given; when men deserving of love receive love, and when men deserving of hate receive hate. I've allowed hatred and confusion to dominate myself moreso than usual lately, and I've been careless in my speech and actions.
Again, above all, I want what is good. At times, I fail, but at those times I must pick myself back up again and continue the journey. I've been more hateful than usual, and in recognizing this, I can now endeavor to be more kind. I apologize to anyone I've ever hurt, because this was none of my intention. Above all, at all times, I intend only what is good.
Emotions are not my strong suit. My first real experience with them was in high school, when I fell in love for the first time, and was forced to think about what I wanted in life for the first time. As a result, I deadened my emotions, tried to hide them all behind cold rationality. It wasn't until last year that I realized this, that I had created a dangerous imbalance in myself that was hurting me and the people around me. Since then, I've tried to understand and properly use my emotions, and put them to the right purpose. I'm glad to say that for the most part I've done well, succeeded. But there will always be times, when I make a mistake, and this is one of those times.
But again, I must simply pick myself back up, and continue. And that is what I continue to do.
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