Spin.

The world moves faster and faster.

One of the new friends that I have recently made has become very close to me. This weekend, the two of us became very intimate one night. I greatly enjoyed it. The only real question is, how do I feel about it? I'm not sure.

When I think about it, she is an attractive girl. A bit ordinary in her beauty, but with an excellent personality and attractive nonetheless. By all accounts, I should be fully enjoying this. The only damper to that would probably be the girl that I fell in love with first, who is not in my life at all right now. The thing is that the first is rarely in my life anymore, and it is hard to love someone who is not in your life, and that even then, I am a being perfectly capable of understanding that I can love multiple people at once, there is no barrier. I would be perfectly capable of loving both of these women at once. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I love either.

Sex is a wondrous thing. It brings pleasure, and it unites people. It is perhaps the most profound physical action that we have. Yet, for all that it is, physical action is not tantamount, is not important, so by a strange extension, neither really is sex. I believe that I'm coming to realize that sex means very little to me.

I think I am an asexual being. I am not sure how I have come to this, but it is the only thing that seems right. Sex has never meant much to me, and now that I grow ever closer to it, I don't think it will when I get it. I think that there are many more things out there in the world than simply sex, and I have very little time for the little things of the world. Where then, does that leave me in my new relationship?

Physical intimacy is nothing to me. I've had it with many people. Mental intimacy, on the other hand, is much harder for me to ever give up. I've done it with a total of three people in my life. One was much like me, but did not seem to realize it. Another was much like me, and has become my best friend. The third was not like me at all, and when I betrayed myself to her she did not understand what it was, and to this day I believe that she is frightened of me. I do not have a very good track record. Usually when I do these kinds of things, I end up hurt. But I think that I will do it again.

I think that I will try to go further, I will try to push this further, I will try to push my limits. I will let this girl see me for who I am, and if it tears us apart then so be it. Maybe I have something, but it certainly isn't simply sex. We shall see.

Impasse.

I have reached an interesting point in my life.

When you go to a theater, or a crowded area, or some sort of show, you should take a look around you while the performance is going on. Every person in the audience has the same look, a blank stare, as if they are waiting for something, passing their time. I despise this look. This look contains no intellect, no idea. This look is the look of the herd, of the sheep, of the cows led to the slaughter. This is the look of abject and pure selflessness, to be totally absorbed in another. This should not exist.

But worse is when this look does not simply stay in the theater. Worse are the people who look like this and act like this all the time. They wander aimlessly, waiting to be led. It is subtle, and harder to notice, but the same look can be seen. These people have no concept of self, no will to be. Naturally then, I do not like to interact with these people. It is like the way noblemen would not look upon their servants and peasants. In some ways, they were justified, because no peasant picked up a knife and stabbed his nobleman for not looking at him. The peasant made no effort to change things. He may have claimed to reject it, but he enjoyed being exploited and led.

You can imagine my disappointment to discover this look in several of my friends. I knew it already, although I could not put my finger on it. Of my seven friends, only roughly three ever propose things for us to do. The rest simply follow aimlessly, not bothering to think for themselves. I do not like this. But I am glad, because something special has happened.

I have made another set of friends. This is not a set of friends to be led, but a set to lead. These friends are active, rather than passive, and they are the kind of people I enjoy being around. In the short time that I have been friends with these people, I have opened up more to them than to the rest of my friends combined. This is a wonderful development. My life is taking turns upwards.

Other than this, my life has been much the same as it always has. I have endured the usual amount of stupidity and arrogance, and everything in between. The only thing that is missing is the girl that I am enamored of. Because of my close relation to my new friends, I have had little time to think of her, and that does not really please me. I must make some effort to reconnect with her, sometime soon. Until then, I am not able to achieve the things I want to achieve.

Until then, I have reached an impasse.

Depression.

My work has slowed down, I cannot write. I am not sure why, but I am taking a break regardless. The ideas still flow, somewhat, but they do not connect. I can't work like this, so I am playing like this. School has gotten a bit tougher for the moment as well. Recently my work load has been much higher, and with keeping fit, reading, and typing papers, mandatory things with my friends, and the like, I have had little time.

One thing that has annoyed me recently is my philosophy class. While anyone who has read any of this before will know that I have a dislike for my philosophy teacher, I really cannot stress enough that she is rather unintelligent, and terrible at teaching. She praises idiocy and intelligence alike, because she cannot tell the difference, and her style of teaching is generally more harmful to learning than it is helpful.

One problem that she has brought up often, is that of the experience machine. The experience machine is a hypothetical version of our favorite sci-fi movie, The Matrix, in which we are allowed to enter a virtual reality of our choosing. We are supposed to determine whether or not we would go in, and if we do, what we would make our new reality like, if we are free to do anything.

Now, of course this is an interesting idea. However, the responses I have heard are hideous. People have said that they will not go in for the most part, although everyone has their own reasons, and they have demonstrated varying degrees of intelligence. However, my problem is in the hypothetical situation in which you do go in, in which you are supposed to choose how you would change your world.

Before I criticize, let me put forth my views. Firstly, it does not matter whether or not I go into the experience machine or not. I have talked about this in a previous blog, but the reasoning for this is that humanity exists in the brain somewhat A priori, that is, that each person exists in their own mind, and changing their circumstances will hardly change their life. To put yourself into a machine that only changes circumstances, then, is useless. Whether or not I go into the machine, my level of happiness will remain somewhat unchanged, when I adapt to my new conditions. If I was unhappy as a poor man, and went in and became a rich man, I would find that I would be no more happy than before. The want of money I had as a poor man could not be satisfied by money, it was a character defect that meant that I was incomplete, and would thus be happy regardless of whether I had the money or not, and I only blamed it on the money because I would be afraid to change.

When asked about what I would change if I was going in, I said "nothing." Nothing I can change by instantly remaking the world would be a change for the better. Therefore, this life is somewhat perfect. Why would I want to change? I was shocked by the response that my philosophy teacher gave. "That's so deep!" Deep? Deep means not that something is intelligent, but that you don't understand it, and therefore you are not. There is nothing deep about thinking that this is a wonderful world, and not wanting to leave it, it's as simple as the sun rising. I wanted to choke.

Worse is what some of the "brightest" philosophers in the class, the ones who are majoring in philosophy, have said. There are only a few of them, and they go on and on about how smart that they think themselves to be. However, when asked what one would change if he went in, he simply said a lot of money. What? Even the most base of true philosophers can see that money means nothing for happiness. The responses from the others were equally sickening. A man who cannot read is no different from the man who reads and does not understand.

Another problem in my current life, is that I have become somewhat displeased with my current friends. I wish them no disrespect, but I am different from them, and in many obvious ways. In order to better myself, I must find a way to cast them off, at least partially. I do not wish them harm, I simply wish to improve my life, and I cannot do that with them. They are a simply ordinary group.

Then again, I am hardly extraordinary at the moment. I have no contacts, no way to impress the woman I love, and nothing to my name.

I need to get over this slump, and soon.

I shed this pitiful shell.

Over the past few weeks, I have made marvelous strides in my work. Much less of my time do I spend wasted, and much more of it do I spend working. Sometimes, this is on my novels. Other times, this is on my school work and the like. I do not regret it, there is only one thing I miss.

I have fallen in love, and it is painful, because she is the kind of girl who is not easily caught. She is like a firefly in the night, only beautiful because she is so difficult to catch. And you know, that if you were to put this firefly in a jar, it would die out and its light would vanish. But so beautiful she is! I lay awake at night thinking about her, and it is becoming a problem.

But right now, there is only my work, and that is a problem as well. Perhaps this will be resolved, sooner or later, perhaps I will work up the courage to tell her how I feel, but I do not think it will come soon. Until then, I must keep writing.

I dedicate it all to her. I dedicate all I do to the best in people, the beauty and the power. Hopefully, when judgment day comes, that will be enough. Until then, I must work. I don't even have time to write more here. So I must go.

Goodbye, all.

Progress.

Well, I have little to say, other than that I am making progress. It's been some time since my last blog, mostly because things are simply falling into order, and the routine of it all produces few extraordinary things to mention.

Progress on my novel has been swift. I am burning through pages very quickly now, and expect to be done before the end of the year. Of course, then there is endless proofreading and revising to be done, but the fact that I'll actually have something to say for myself is exciting.

My classes have been the same level of boring that they have been before. For the most part, I sit in them, and laugh to myself at how stupid everyone sounds. Of course, I've written a blog about what I think about it, but it boils down to this, always. When there are things to be interpreted, such as novels and philosophy and acting manuals and the like, teachers seem to think that reading between the lines is the primary demonstration that you know something. In fact, there are generally not lines to read between, authors are only human, and only mean the things that they distinctly say, without bothering with the time to go so far as to produce eighty billion extended metaphors. Yet, in every class, the possibility of these metaphors is so often produced, that it scares me. To this day, in my philosophy class, we have not actually discussed much of anything that is in our texts, only what we think of it. That is a learning failure, right there. We're supposed to be learning truths, not others opinions.

My current group of friends has become more bearable. At first, I saw them as simply ordinary guys and girls, too ordinary to even like. The fact is, that while they are still ordinary, they are beginning to take more chances, do newer things. They are acclimating to the climate I've provided. I enjoy it. Also, I've become more social, as I've talked more and spent more time going to social gatherings. The apple of my eye is still far out of reach, but I'll have her one day. She is too beautiful not to.

Which leaves the state of myself. I've been remarkably confident, and am becoming more so by the second. This changes my nature, slightly, as I am being more agressive in my actions and dealings with other people. Sometimes I regret that. Other times, well, most times, I enjoy it. That's what being confident is all about. Also, I am enjoying a higher level of physical fitness than before. I am eating more, sleeping more, exercising more. I am spending more time thinking, and less time is wasted. I am learning Tai Chi, how to play the guitar, how to be a liked person, how to enjoy myself in ways that aren't wasted time, and the like.

All in all, I'm making progress. And that means, that one day, I'll be perfect.

And that means, that one day, I'll rule.

How glorious it all is!

The new year.

I am rather aggravated with the strange (un)fascination that people take with the whole new years thing. Indeed, it has been ten days since the event, but it still sits in the back of my head, annoying me. So of course, I let it out in the only place I can, here.

New Years is not a big deal. In fact, it isn't a deal at all. There is nothing to celebrate, nothing to enjoy. There is no reason to hold parties, no reason to get together, no reason to drop a big glowing ball in New York, or any of the other stupid things that we do. What is there to celebrate? The fact that time goes on? Then why not just celebrate it EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR?

The fact that you have added another year on to your life is celebrated on your birthday. The fact that we've added another year onto the calendar should deserve no birthday. The calendar, on top of being poorly made, is an inanimate object. It doesn't care when we celebrate, so why should we?

Worse is the fact that we seem to realize all this and yet still go through the motions. Of the people I have asked, most a couple weeks ago during the actual event, none actually saw any reason to be partying. Yet we did anyway. When it came around midnight time, after spending the evening doing nothing involved in the new year, we turned the television on for five minutes. We watched the ball drop, downed drinks, and then went back to normal. Our cheer was weak and ineffectual. We didn't actually care that a new year had begun.

And then, there's the business of new years resolutions. False. No one has ever followed one of those things. People don't ever follow resolutions in the first place. Nothing was ever changed in human beings in a moment of fervor. No one has ever said "I'm going to make a difference in my life, right now, and lived up to it." Human beings are incapable of changing themselves instantaneously. People are only changed by saying that they are going to change themselves over a long period of time, as they actually grow into their new ideals and forms. People change over time. The idea of making a resolution simply because it's the new year, is just as flawed. No one has ever followed these, generally not more than a day. Why bother?

There is only one new years resolution that I will ever appreciate, and it is the one I make this year and every year, and every moment of my life. I resolve to be resolute.

Back from break.

Well, it's been about a month. Not surprisingly, that month has coincided with the month that I have for Christmas break. In that month, I can assure you, nothing has changed.

I adapted with surprising rapidity to my home life. I created a new schedule that served me well. I would wake up around noon, exercise for two or three hours, play video games, eat dinner with the family, and then leave to do things with friends. Some nights, I did not do things with friends, in which case I simply played more video games, watched movies, or found other ways to occupy myself. This is a rather ordinary schedule, not the kind to be expected of me. I never like to be ordinary, but in this case it turned out the most extraordinary results.

Firstly, I was essentially an isolated person for this entire time. I had much more time to myself, much more than college ever had to offer. I had time to be alone, time to think, time to do things I wanted to do. The results? Excellent.

I had been weakening, towards the end of the last quarter. I had been questioning myself, making more cowardly decisions, and had been slacking on writing my books. I was wasting much of my time. Now, that does not happen. Over the break, I wrote another twenty five pages on my novel over the course of about three days. I received a guitar for Christmas, which I am using with great joy, and am improving my musical skills over, daily. I am now able to go back to college, with a sense of individuality and well being. My confidence has risen, and I am working at a much greater capacity than I have been in quite some time.

It seems that this break has served its purpose spectacularly.

Of course, now I have to come back to some of the same problems that I left behind. The first is my new course load. I have another philosophy class with the same teacher, the one that I despised so much last quarter. I have a calculus class at 8:30 in the morning, far earlier than I have been waking up in a very long time. I have an English class, but I applied for two. All the same annoyances, all the same problems. But of course, this will be a chance for growth. Waking up early means that I have more time to do things, dealing with idiot teachers still gives me a chance to improve my intelligence, and English is never as important as actually getting my writing done. Which I am doing, so there isn't much of a problem there.

I may have more news in the future, about certain things I plan to do relatively soon. But I can't tell you until they actually happen, or else I look like an idiot. So I'll leave you on that note, expect more.

Happy new years, everyone!