Untitled.

So, I have not updated this blog in quite a long time. After my breakup, I was devastated, and have begun to rethink my life in large portions. As such, I haven't felt like putting my thoughts down here, because they have been jumbled and uncertain. And then, after quite a while, they began to organize themselves, but I could still not motivate myself to care.

I did not last an entire week after breaking up with my girlfriend. I couldn't do it. I truly do love her. It pained me so much to attempt it, but I tried to separate myself from her, knowing that I did not have much time left. It turns out, the time was already past. I love her, purely and truly, as I have never loved anyone else. I am bound to her, for the rest of my life, for better or for worse.

Of course, I talked to her, and I believe that we have reached a proper equilibrium now. We have agreed on an open relationship, because I am certainly not the kind of man to keep his attention on one girl, and I believe that she needs space as well as I. I wish to try and be as open and honest as possible, although it is true that I do not always think of her, and that I sometimes downplay the influence that she has on me.

After the breakup and inevitable return, I accelerated my work. I have finished several short stories, copied down ideas for several more, and the overall quality of my writing has greatly improved. On top of this, I am able to write longer, and become more engrossed in my work. Adversity has helped me, in this case.

As such, this summer has been very productive. I am not sure if I mentioned this before, or if it had even developed by that time, but I have been working two jobs. With this, I have managed to pad my bank account with a lot more starting cash, and I have begun to consider investing. In the early stages of this school year, I hope to open some sort of investment account and begin with some safe stocks. Add this with the general success I've had in writing, the future is looking bright.

Another development has occurred in my all-consuming hobby of World of Warcraft. This Summer, I was introduced to a good guild, and have been raiding with them since, consistently being one of the most effective players in our groups. I learn strategies quickly, put out a lot of dps, and show up to nearly every raid. Yet, at the same time, this experience begins to grow sour. I am not well recognized for my contributions. The rest of the guild is certainly not up to my quality, and it hurts. Worse, it is getting to the point where the game does not entice me as much anymore, simply because it is growing to be too easy. Add with that apathetic guild leaders and some recent drama, and I have begun to play only on raid nights, so as to minimize game time. Perhaps I will quit altogether, although the game still manages to pull me in every once in a while. I plan to play only on raid nights during this school year, so as to minimize the impact this has on my schoolwork as well, but I cannot be sure how that will work out.

Tonight, I watched the VMA's, as it was raid night but another raid fell apart due to inept leadership. I must say, I am concerned by the great amount of pride that people are putting into trashing Kanye West. During the awards, Taylor Swift won the award for best female video, something that Kanye obviously did not agree with. As such, he went up on stage, took the mike from her, and told her so.

Now, within minutes there were perhaps thirty messages all over facebook about what a terrible person he is, with the occasional message to support him as they agreed with him. What I don't understand, is why it has to be so important. People get annoyed by things like this everyday. Perhaps you've been picked last for the team, or a fine woman has chosen another man over you. You disagree with the statement. But you don't say anything, because you don't want to speak up and cause trouble. Sometimes, you become particularly angry, because it's something that you're invested in, and you actually speak out, finally gathering up the courage to admit your disagreement. This is all Kanye did. Since when did this have to become the focus of half the youth of the U.S.?

I am disappointed by how much emotion and drama was caused by such a simple act. Just move on, forget about it. Who cares? Obviously, the youth of this nation does, and this scares me. The world is so preoccupied with such little things, that they can't ever look at the big picture. Truly, I am disgusted.

However, after the VMA's, a documentary about Lil Wayne came on. Within me burned a sudden urge to listen to rap, and I did. I have always appreciated the finest of rap music, because there is something about rap, as a genre, that is soulful and powerful. Stripped away of all its pretensions, and everything that the media has done to it, most rap has been about the barest, most meaningful things in life, and I like that. Listening to the beats now, it strikes me that if I ever write music, it will be rap. It suits me.

The creative power inside me has been awoken by this little event, and I feel infinite. Downloading new tracks to listen to, I feel the essence of the music in my veins. Behind it all, it is simple. There are simply words, drawn from the heart, emotionalized in this lyrical style and this handful of beats. There is something down there, beautiful, and right now, I am trying to find it.

Catharsis.

I am terribly unbalanced right now.

Last night, I chose to break up with my girlfriend. We both knew it was coming, we had discussed it to some extent earlier, but the thing that most surprised me was the abruptness.

So very suddenly, the person with whom I am closest was torn away from me, by my own hand. There was struggle, there was pain. But mostly, there was simply the act. It's all over now, it's done. My mind is unbalanced, but it is becoming more balanced by the second. I would like to think that my grief is uncontrollable, the despair too great, but that would be a lie. In the end, I suffered only as much as I expected to.

I regret it, of course I do. I wish I had never done it. She hurts, and I hurt. I do not wish to cause pain, but it was necessary. Our relationship was temporary, and it had to be ended before it became anything more than that. We both deserve better than each other, it had to be done. I loved her, and she loved me, but love is not enough. Love is simple, common, easy to find. In the end, it means nothing next to the great and endless calling that is necessity.

I wish to maintain the closest relationship with her that I can. She is one of my best friends, one of the few people that I respect in the world and one of the best at that. This will be difficult, we will both be unable to separate our feelings from our friendship for some time. But when it is all over, it will be better for both of us. That is why I have done this, that is why it had to happen.

On the positive side, this has provided me with great fuel for the fire. The recent trauma to my love life has also inspired great thoughts in my mind. Harnessing them is easy, and I have again begun work on my writings. Up until this point, I had been terribly behind in such. Not working on my primary objective in life, I began to hate myself, and I worked even less. Part of this was my obsession with World of Warcraft, another was my obsession with my girlfriend. Now that I have cleared my mind of these barriers, I can look myself in the mirror again, and be proud.

In other news, my physical training has been ahead of plan. I have fallen into a comfortable habit, I work out every day. I have begun to build muscle mass, and I am rather proud of it. Whereas it was once difficult to spend time each day doing it, it has now become easy. This assists my objectives greatly, as it clears up mental effort which can be better used in my newfound writing streak.

For the time being, I am unable to truly write, as my mind is still clouded by sadness and despair. I am truly sorry, I wish that it could have happened in a more peaceful way.

Censorship.

I have recently decided to make this blog semi-public; to put it on my facebook and twitter so that others may have some insight into my ideas. The most important of these was my girlfriend, who has been somewhat mature about the things that she has read in it. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that other people may not have been so mature about it.

Now, I am in no position to make judgments. I have very little understanding of what happened, and even if it did happen. However, as I understand it, several of my friends have been gossiping about my blog, especially as it pertains to them, and there was something of an argument. I was not there, I only have the vaguest second-hand account. However, whether or not it did occur in the manner that I think it did, it still raises questions in my mind.

This blog may be misinterpreted, misunderstood. That's a problem. I don't make this blog to be misunderstood. I make it for the exact opposite, to clarify and understand and in turn be understood. Not what is happening if the above occurrence is true. People are confusing my words, taking only the wrong meanings from them, doing the wrong things with them, and that is a problem.

Of course, there are only two courses of action to take. I can either do nothing about it, and continue to be misunderstood, or I can censor myself and cease to be misunderstood, but also cease to produce true and quality thought in this blog. But given these two options, I will always choose the first.

The world does not need another liar. The world does not need another cheat. There are plenty of those in excess already. What the world needs is men and women of truth, men and women of unashamed superiority, men and women of progress and potency. We live in a world that worships both the best and the worst of the human kind, and I refuse to be the worst. I will not waste my time on misdirection, I will not spend my time with delusion or falsehood. In order to be the best that I can, I cannot be anything less.

For this reason, I will not tone myself down. If this blog costs me my job, my friends, and everything else, at least I can say that I have truly tried. Perhaps there are those who would think differently, I am not one of them. I refuse to allow myself to be censored. I refuse to be censored by my own foolish wants and short-term longings. I cannot keep anything but the future in mind, and those with a true brain on their shoulders will commend me, not vilify me, and they are the only kind of people who I wish to satisfy.

On another note, the issue of the internet and its place in my goal has also become a major topic of thought. I have to admit that it is useful, necessary, for social networking and the benefits that it entails. However, I also must admit that I cannot become overly concerned with it. There are those who do, those who spend their lives centered around the worship of others through the internet, they will have no time for themselves. I understand that I am not achieving the best possible amount of sociality through my minor use of social networking services. I think more of myself than others, and it shows. I am not as social in real life as I could be, simply because I am not as social on the internet as I could be.

But then again, I am the most selfish bastard on the earth. I have no right to pretend otherwise. I feel that perhaps this fits me, this combination of renown and anonymity. I feel that I have struck a zen balance, at least for myself, and that is beneficial.

But I have no more time to muse on this. I must go back to my writing.

Finger on the trigger.

I've been rather slow in getting to my goals this summer. This, of course, is nothing new. However, at the same time it is something that I've thought about in great detail.

My mind is like a machine. It always works, but exactly when I don't want it to. When I read a book, it analyzes, compares, examines. Within minutes, I can barely pay attention to the text in front of me. Within a few more, I'm considering how I can do it better. When I try to sleep, my mind brews. It doesn't rest, simply keeps mulling over everything that it has experienced that day. I cannot fall asleep for hours.

Yet, at the same time, my mind never works when I want it to. When I sit down at a computer to write, I can barely go five minutes without feeling creatively drained. When I try to remember the things that I thought over the night before, there is nothing but a massive blank.

I feel like a man poised with his finger on the trigger of a gun. I hold great power in my hands, great potential. I know what has to be done. I have prepared myself, my target is in sight. Yet, for some reason, I can never pull the trigger.

I feel like a man among ants, afraid to make a move for fear of crushing them. I know that they are nothing before me. Yet, I cannot make the move.

There is something inside me that holds me back. There is something about the world that I don't properly understand, so I cannot yet move on. My intellect is staggering, my mind powerful. Yet, my life has been characterized by an inability to complete things. My mind can hardly begin one thing before it moves on to another. Perhaps there is some defect in it, some flaw, some condition, but I doubt it. What stands is a confusing lack of ability to follow through despite every wish to the contrary.

People are not recognized in the world based purely on their existence. In order to be recognized, there must also exist some sort of physical manifestation of their existence, some action or creation. I am not smart unless I go out into the world and act with intelligence and wit. I am not a good artist unless I produce good paintings. I am not a good musician unless I produce good music. I feel like a king without a kingdom, an artist without his paintings, a musician without any music.

The tools are in front of me, the materials ready. Why can I not follow through?

In other news, I am at least being somewhat productive with my summer. I have secured a second job, where I work roughly four hours a day, in the mornings. It is far from ideal. Yet, at the same time, it is far more than I have done up until now. I have a steady income, an easy job, and the efficiency not to waste this money. My bank account grows. I am ever closer to my goals.

At the same time, the issue of my girlfriend is unresolved. She grows more beautiful in my eyes, every day. But at the same time, she is not the height of beauty, and I know this. If I wish for a perfect girl, she must be beautiful as well as intelligent. As of now, I only have one of the two. My mind wishes to convince me otherwise, and paints her more stunning every day. As such, I am loathe to let her go.

I am also unsure of how this will affect our relationship. I hold the greatest respect for her, but we cannot continue this. After the eventual break, there will also be the matter of how we continue to relate. She is a good friend, and one that I wish to keep. Will our split change that? I still wish to hang out, still want to see her and her friends often. What will happen?

Here I am. I am here.

Late update.

So, I am done with my first year of college.

I have not been able to update on this simply because I've been very busy for the past two weeks. Pulling the largest workload of anyone I have been aware of, I completed three term papers and took three finals, having taken three classes. I had nearly no time for myself, spending nearly two weeks in a constant state of work. Best of all, I loved it.

I chose the harder final for one class, despite not benefiting as much from it as was necessary. I have never been more happy than I was in those few days. I only wish they could have continued. While I was so productive for that period of time, I have been far less so with the beginning of the Summer. I cannot write, I am behind in my exercise, and I have bounced back and forth between various hangouts, generally wasting time. This is a problem, one I try so very hard to correct. At the moment, I am making progress.

Another recent development is that of my relationship with my girlfriend. I told her, one night about a week ago, that we could not be together, that I did not truly love her, that I was already beginning to grow bored of her. Our sex life is also declining. The only problem, is that she takes it so well. She does truly love me, and this only makes it harder for me to break it off with her. She admits that it will hurt her terribly, yet she still wishes to hold on as long as she can.

The world is such a strange place. My girlfriend has been born with nearly the exact mindset that I require. Her body is lacking. The problem is that I cannot love anything less than utter perfection, and she is not. She is not like me, and therefore I cannot love her. I cannot love anything except myself, and she is not similar enough. Yet, she is similar in mind, which is the closest I have ever seen. It hurts so terribly to hurt someone who is similar to myself, at least in mindset. The world has gifted me with a girl that is not what I need, but is exactly what I want. The choice is so difficult.

One of our discussions on the topic led to an embarrassing admittance; I am gifted with the ability to recognize weakness and stupidity, but not with the ability to be strong or intelligent myself. My life is fraught with failures and weaknesses, and I have not at all lived up to my own expectations. This is especially clear lately, as I have noted.

I am renewing my efforts, but of course, I am behind. I have to work harder than ever. Even now, this is taking longer to write than it should. I am delayed by everything else, distracted by the pretty lights and the cheap thrills. The only place I have to go is up, but the ladder is hard to climb, and I have tired myself out with partying.

What to do except push harder?

Out of great silence.

So, I return.

It has been a month and a half since I originally began the vow of silence. In my second week of silence, I began to feel under the weather, particularly in the throat, which was extremely sore. I also began to notice lumps protruding on my neck, one on the left side and the other just below my right jaw. I visited a doctor, who guessed that I had a throat infection, but could not be sure what it was. I was prescribed antibiotics for the weekend, and told to come back. Over the weekend, my throat only grew worse. Unable to get anything done, I decided to break the silence.

I was eventually diagnosed with mono, which, being a viral infection, is naturally not affected by antibiotics, and explains my worsening over the weekend. I was prescribed steroids, and began to improve immediately. However, I was still far under the weather, so I continued to speak. The talking went on for two weeks, as a matter of convenience, to coincide with a variety of plans that were occurring at the time. Then I resumed the silence, two weeks late.

As I realized, I probably brought that sickness upon myself. During the weeks of my silence, I pushed myself hard in the gym, trying to extend my limits. As a result, my immune system was likely weakened, and so I became sick. But of course, that would mean that I had been carrying mono for quite some time. Looking back, I realized that this was probably true, I had been unnecessarily tired for quite some time, and had been used to taking naps in the afternoon to remedy this. Now that I am over it, however, I am much improved, and no longer need these rests.

Another matter is how I originally got it. Obvious choice would be one of the women that I got intimate with. There were four of them, and the timing of my fatigue means that it could have been any of them. This, I suppose, is what I get for my promiscuity.

In other news, I have also begun playing world of warcraft again, after my original break to begin writing my book. This, of course, was done during my week of sickness, when I needed something to do because I could not truly concentrate on work. I then joined an excellent guild, and have been making progress since.

Of course, this meant that my last two weeks were less productive than my first two. This was not due to rampant and unnecessary playing of the game, but rather due to raiding schedules. My new guild raids three times a week, from 10pm-2am, prime hours for writing. While this is obviously not all the week, it is enough to put a significant dent in my writing times. Still, I worked to the best of my ability, and got things done. Which brings me to the nature of my silence itself.

The silence was simultaneously the most difficult and easiest thing that I have ever done. Completely rejecting people was at the same time exhilarating and saddening. While there were many things I missed, there were others I did not. I would like to say that they balanced out, and silence was no better than non-silence, but that would be a lie. There is a certain type of existence that man leads, free from the will of the mob, which is greater and more glorious. Whatever it is, I valued it more than anything else that they could have given me, had I spoken.

One of my goals, the advancement of my writing, was a huge success. I put many hours into writing, and produced perhaps 150-200 pages of various works, over the course of a month. During the time, I discovered that one published author, who dedicates himself to longer novels, produces in a year what I would produce in six months by the same schedule. There was also the amount that I read; I completed two of Nietzsche's works in the same period.

This is on top of the amount of exercise I committed myself to. In the first half, this was two hours a day. In the second, when I was supposed to be careful in order to prevent rupturing my weakened spleen, this sank to one, but I am prepared to begin ramping this up again, slowly, and soon. On top of both of these things, of course, was the amount of things I accomplished in World of Warcraft, which were numerous.

In essence, the silence was extremely profitable. Even better than this, however, was the way that I felt. There was a certain feeling, a certain sense of self-assurance that I carried during the time that I was separated from others, that i admire. Better, my mind was focused and generally deeper, able to commit itself to stronger and more beautiful tasks. Silence is not simply a state of body, it is a state of mind.

Overall, I enjoyed the experience supremely. I would do it again, and I will. I will not tell anyone else, but I plan top do this again, and again. Perhaps a single month out of every year, this would be a good plan. I feel that it would greatly suffice.

There is only one other thing, however, that must be mentioned. This is that I was not truly separated from the people, as I tried to make myself. Everywhere I went, society still followed me. No matter what I did, the temptation to talk still presented itself to my face. Worst was the cafeteria, where I was forced to find a corner and avoid all friends and acquaintances without discretion. When I returned to my room, I was not alone, my friends were still there, hanging out, talking to me if even if I would not talk back. In short, I did not really accomplish my goal. I blame this for any failure in my silence, in the accomplishment of my goals. In order to do it again, I must seek to truly separate myself, to make myself independent and disconnected, in order to truly achieve my goals. In this college environment, I cannot.

Naturally, there are other things to be said. But for now, it has been too long. I must return to my life, I must go back to my world. I still have things to do, and I cannot be bothered to reflect more on my silence for now. And, of course, if anyone else was reading this, then they would not have ever made it this far, before getting bored. There are still things to achieve, there is still a world to conquer. I cannot ever stop.

The philosophy of silence.

Well, here it goes. In less than two hours, I will be officially on my vow of silence. I will not be writing in this blog, nor talking to anyone. I plan to get lots of shit done, over the next month, and can only think of how it will be for me. It feels strange, talking to people for the last time in quite some time. I've been distancing myself from my friends, much to some of their chagrin. One of my friends now has a passive aggressive hateful relationship with me, his jokes have turned insulting and he rarely speaks with me otherwise. However, the only people whose judgment I truly place stock in have all wished me luck, and I think that I am well prepared.

It will be a strange month, to say in the least. Man only reaches his heights when pushed into the darkest depths. Here I am, at the edge of the precipice, and I am looking back, and it is strange to do so. I see all the things that I am giving up, and I am so strangely ready to do it. I look back and realize that all the things I took for granted were not so important, not so useful. I've been holding myself back, all this time, and I never knew it.

Mankind is strange, in that it cannot do anything forever. We cannot eat the same foods for very long, nor do the same activities, without eventually growing bored of them. In this case, it is our goal to move on, to find something else to occupy our time so that when we come back, we will be ready to do the thing that we loved so much for a second time. I suppose that this is why, in the end, we need to die. If we didn't, then sooner or later we would grow bored of everything at once, and the need to cease to exist would grow until we were forced to end it on our own. But that is not the time that I have reached, not yet. I have grown bored with this world, the one currently live in. I have discovered its nuances, and the ways in which it reacts to my prodding and poking. It is time to move on. It is time to transcend reality.

So here I go.