Setbacks.

I have had a few problems, very recently. The woman with whom I first enjoyed sexuality rebelled against me, and did so in such a way that showed she had never understood me in the least. It hurt, so much more than I wanted it to. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Every time I invest myself in another person, I find myself disappointed and let down, often mercilessly.

Worst of all, was that in my understanding, she was trying to do such a thing because she saw me as cruel, and heartless, and therefore not her thing. She wanted me to be more like the regular person, more like the mindless mass, less like myself. But she does it by being bitter and hateful? Why should that motivate me to be kinder to the rest of the world? Do you really think you can fight wars in the name of peace?

Sex is greatly overemphasized by our culture. Men slobber over every attractive woman, worship those who can get them, and just generally waste time thinking rather than doing. It's not hard, women aren't any better than the men who worship them. We emphasize it so much, that when it actually comes around, it disappoints me. We emphasize it as being necessary in a relationship, which is an utter fallacy. Men don't have to be dating women they don't like in the hopes of fucking them. That's stupid. Relationships should be based on the mind, not the body. Sex should be freer and more open, to be shared between anyone comfortable enough with the other person. It doesn't have to be this fucking fetish or grand monument.

I dream of a future where in every relationship, a man can say to his woman, that he finds another woman rather attractive, and that he would rather screw her, and his girlfriend will not be offended. She'll just let the two of them have sex. Then her and her boyfriend can get back to loving each other because they are perfect for each other.

I say all this, because I think that one of the reasons why this girl did this to me, was that she didn't want to be in any kind of friends-with-benefits relationship, wanted me to care more about her. She never understood that in having casual sexual experiences with her, I was caring about her more than any other woman. I was saying, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, I will only concern myself with you. She had to ruin it all by rebelling, had to prove that she wasn't as smart as I thought, had to reduce her beauty by admitting that she was not intelligent enough for me. She certainly isn't the most physically attractive woman in the world, but she became so for me because of her mind. I was so broken to see it ruined all before my eyes. The world crashed down on me, ruining me again.

The three hours that followed were the worst three hours of my life in previous times. I had my first anxiety attack in perhaps six months. I still can't sleep as well anymore. The next day I could not force myself to function, just keeled over and followed myself around. Of course, for every downturn, there is an upturn. Very quickly, I bounced back. I began to meditate daily, exercised excessively, and now I spend much of my formerly wasted class time every day working on my novels in my terribly unreadable handwriting.

The grand problem here, as I have mentioned before, is that I am always confronted by how little I can trust other people. Excepting one person in my entire life, who I count as my one true friend, everyone that I invest myself in or test has always failed. They have always let me down, in every single way. I remember one girl who I asked to keep a simple secret from a single person. She told the next day, and I ignored her for a week, only to teach her how unimportant she was to me. She got the message, and I forgave her, never telling her that those days had been a test.

Admittedly, I have failed as well. There are times when I have not been able to keep promises, or have let others down. However, I remember each and every one of these vividly, I struggle with them every day. As a result, I have basically not betrayed a single person in nearly a year. I am not perfect, but I am trying, which makes me so much greater than everyone else.

That's sad to me. The only thing that I have to do to be better than everyone else is simply try? Imagine what I could do if I was actually forced to work.